Author Archive

The Chicago Bears suck. Especially on defense.

Monday, November 10th, 2014

How f*cking terrible is the Chicago Bears defense? Historically f*cking terrible. And I'm talking the type of history that's so old it predates the birth of the useless slab of flabby meat formerly known as Lance Briggs, who rode a goddamn brontosaurus to school and now eats a whole one ...

Fact: Joe Maddon will win the World Series with the Chicago Cubs

Monday, November 3rd, 2014

Most Cubs stories end at a bar. Joe Maddon's Cubs story began at one. And if he can get that aspect of Cub life reversed, why not everything else that comes with it? With Wrigley Field's innards and outtards being gutted this winter, the team had to hold their new manager's ...

World Series MVP presentation stolen by ‘Chevy Guy’

Thursday, October 30th, 2014

You would think nothing could overshadow the magnificence of Madison Bumgarner's World Series MVP performance -- but somehow the trophy presentation took the cake. Bumgarner's 5-inning relief appearance in Game 7 capped off a World Series effort that legends are made of: 21 innings, 1 run, nine hits, 17 strikeouts and ...

Peyton Manning calls out his scoreboard operator

Friday, October 24th, 2014

YOU HAD ONE JOB, MILE HIGH SCOREBOARD OPERATOR. And you did not do it to Peyton Manning's liking. In a rather surreal press conference moment after Denver's 35-21 win over San Diego on Thursday night, Peyton Manning took his team's scoreboard operator -- yes, you read that correctly -- to task for ...

Fantasy football is evil: Or, how I lost to Josh McCown

Tuesday, October 21st, 2014

Our politicians and pundits can bicker all they want about Ebola and immigration and all the other issues perceived to be bringing our nation to its knees. I will choose to focus on the only thing vile enough to actually get the job done: fantasy football, aka the devil's taint. As ...

Flames AHL affiliate fires team mascot

Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

In telling of his story, Scorch overpowered a firefighter. That happened. pic.twitter.com/ZIpW7Qmw5l — Diana C. Nearhos (@dianacnearhos) October 9, 2014 The American Hockey League affiliate of the Calgary Flames has -- wait for it! -- fired its mascot. Before even playing its first game. The Adirondack Flames are the new Triple-A team for ...

Maple Leafs attempt to use deodorant Zamboni; it gets banned

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014

Only one organization in hockey is so remarkably snakebitten and incompetent that it could screw up a Zamboni. As any hockey fan would have guessed by the end of the last sentence, we are talking about the Toronto Maple Leafs. The Leafs are the most profitable team in hockey despite the ...

Buffalo Bills carry Jim Schwartz off field for beating Lions

Monday, October 6th, 2014

Some things are so douchey that they only could have been thought up by Jim Schwartz. The Bills defensive coordinator was carried off the field following Buffalo's 17-14 win at Detroit on Sunday -- an excessive move for a regular-season win over the Lions, but a seemingly understandable moment of spontaneity ...