Tim Kurkijan is a subpar sausage racer

Tuesday, June 24th, 2014

ESPN baseball reporter Tim Kurkijan made a foray into gonzo journalism by participating in the Sausage Race at Milwaukee's Miller Park during Monday night's Brewers-Nationals game. But to paraphrase famous Kazakh journalist Borat, it was not a great success. (Or maybe it was since we're talking about it). Kurkijan dressed up ...

ESPN nixes scheduled Burgundy-Kind SportsCenter

Thursday, December 5th, 2013

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION: I have just been handed and urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen: Thursday's scheduled appearance of Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind on ESPN's Sports Center has been canceled. The fictional duo was ...

Erin Andrews Leaving ESPN

Friday, June 29th, 2012

Everyone's favorite female sportscaster will no longer be roaming the sidelines for ESPN. Yes, Erin Andrews - also known as "Erin Pageviews," and "The Sideline Princess" - will be leaving the four-letter network after becoming a gigantic star there since starting in 2004. The network released a statement saying Andrews, "Did ...

ESPN: Bad At Geography

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

I'm not sure what geography majors do when they finish college, but obviously they don't end up working at ESPN. Friend of the program and lifelong Minnesotan Bdogmarvelous caught the pictured error on Sports Center yesterday -- a rather shocking imagine of the outline of Minnesota labeled as "Wisconsin" in some ...

Are You Ready For Some Stupidity?

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

For years, I have opined to my friends that Hank Williams, Jr. has the easiest job in the world: singing the Monday Night Football theme. Just slightly tweak the lyrics to reflect the teams playing that week, and voila, you have your paycheck. In order to lose a gig like ...

Texas A&M Admits To Penis Envy

Thursday, September 1st, 2011

After failing to obtain a large enough order of Extenz from Jimmy Johnson to suit its needs, Texas A&M came out with the next-best solution for its problem on Wednesday by admitting it will be leaving the Big 12 Conference at the end of the school year. The Aggies have felt ...

Woe Is Miami

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

Patrick Dorsey, presumably no relation to Ken, penned an excellent ESPN Page 2 column on Monday which detailed the sheer hell that comes with being a Miami sports fan. But Patrick didn't quite go far enough when he said that Miami is on its way to becoming America's Most Miserable Sports ...

Don’t Shoot the Messenger

Monday, June 6th, 2011

The beauty of the Chicago Cubs is the simplicity of their design. Just when you think they've lost in the crappiest way you could ever imagine, they find a way to do something even worse the very next day. That was the case on Sunday, as the Cubs got swept by ...