Polacks, Toilet Paper And The Chicago Bears Offensive Line

August 17, 2011 – 11:35 pm by Matthew Glenesk

The Chicago Bears allowed a league-high 56 sacks a season ago. Their franchise quarterback was chased from the NFC Championship Game because of the subsequent lack of protection. So you’d think the team would invest in improving the worst offensive line in the NFL.

You’d think.

There were plenty of good offensive linemen available on the frenzied free agent market. The Bears weren’t able to land any.

Instead, the Bears said goodbye to six-time Pro Bowl center and line linchpin Olin Kruetz over a measly $500,000, and gave $6 million to his supposed replacement, who remains second on the depth chart.

Sure the Bears drafted gigantic tackle Gabe Carimi in the first round of the 2011 draft, but he’s a rookie expected to start without the luxury of OTAs. At left tackle, the most important position on the line, the Bears have J’Marcus Webb, a 2010 seventh round draft pick out of West Texas A&M. He’s the returning starter. Hence the 56 sacks a year ago. At guard, you have former first round pick Chris Williams, who flopped at tackle, and Lance Louis, who gets beat more than Travis Barker’s drum.

In the Bears’ preseason opener against Buffalo, the line allowed nine sacks. That’s as many sacks as the Bears allowed in the first half in the Week 4 embarrassment against the Giants last season, in which Jay Cutler was forced out with a concussion.

On Monday, the Bears return to the scene of the crime. Tuesday might be a good time for Osi Umenyiora to renegotiate his contract.

The Bears offensive line is soft, epically soft. In fact, the Bears blockers remind me of other ridiculously soft items. Like:

Drake - Your real name is Aubrey. You’re Canadian. And you starred on a show I can only find on a channel called Nick Teen. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the time we spent at the Indiana State Fair last year. But even then you were hamming up Justin Bieber. Sorry Aubrey, you’re soft. Honorable mention to Cam’ron and Soulja Boy. Both super soft as well.

Charmin Ultra Soft - Whenever I wipe with the good stuff, I feel as if I’m lifted away on a puffy cloud with a harp-playing teddy bear serenading me. Naturally, Charmin originated in Green Bay, Wisc., a city all too familiar with the need to wipe.

1939 Polish Army - The long-standing myth Poles used horse-mounted cavalry versus German Panzer tanks has always perpetuated the supposed idiocy and futility of Polish World War II resistance. In reality, however, it never happened. The myth originated from reports of the Battle of Krojanty, where a Polish cavalry brigade was ambushed by hidden armored vehicles after it had mounted a sabre-charge against Germany infantry. Hell, charging tanks on horseback might be idiotic, but it’s pretty bad ass. Unfortunately, bad ass is not really in the Polish fabric.

To Poland’s credit, it weas facing off against both Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union, while the Poles’ new allies, Great Britain and France, really were no help. British and French¬†intelligence thought the Poles could hold out for three months. The Poles figured six months at the least. Turns out it only took one month for all of Poland to be annexed. The country suffered 904,000 total casualties (600,000 of those were captured soldiers), while Germany and the Soviets suffered just 59,000 casualties. Poland was preparing for a defensive war, but didn’t expect war to break out until 1942. Oops.

Peter Buckley - In his professional boxing career, Buckley entered the ring 300 times. He left defeated 256 of those times. I mean the man lost 85 percent of his fights. American Reggie Strickland maintains the notoriety for most career losses with 276, but Reggie Rage also more than doubled Buckley’s win total (66 to 32). Buckley, now 42, last fought on Halloween 2008 and shockingly won his swan song with a four-round points decision over winless Matin Mohammed. After the fight he was given a special belt and a bronzed glove marking his “achievement.” Apparently they are making a movie about Buckley’s life. The working title? “The Tomato Can.”

Incubus’ new album -¬† I leave it to album reviewer Nick Butler of Sputnik Music:

“It’s just a bewildering album, really. Why make the album at all? Why make it now? Who is the target audience? Where is the new fanbase they’re aiming at that are going to replace all the fans they’ll lose? I honestly can’t imagine the kind of person that would really enjoy these songs; they’re devoid of any personality, they have none of the appeal any other Incubus song provides (even the bad ones), and the same sound has been done much better by plenty of other bands. I can’t in good conscience give a rating lower than 2.5/5, because it’s just too inoffensive for me to hate it – but isn’t that just another brutally damning flaw? This is Incubus we’re talking about. Even at their worst, they were always interesting. ‘If Not Now, When?’ can’t even offer that.

Maybe it’s a shade too melodramatic to say this, but I honestly feel like there hasn’t been an album by an established rock band that misjudges the mood of their fanbase, and of rock as a whole, as badly as this since ‘St. Anger.’

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