Being Buster Olney

We assume the following conversation took place between ESPN writer Buster Olney and his brain this weekend before he wrote a story detailing baseball’s possible realignment to two 15-team leagues.

BUSTER: Hey brain, do you have any ideas? There’s nothing interesting going on right now and I need to stir the pot.

BUSTER’S BRAIN: How about you start some trade rumors?

BUSTER: I don’t really see the point right now. I’ve already run off Adrian Gonzalez to the Red Sox, even though it took me like four years of trying. The Brewers are actually winning, which is killing my dozens of Prince Fielder trade scenarios. And the Cubs suck so bad that there’s no way Albert Pujols is going there next year. I can’t even fathom a scenario to bullshit people into thinking that one’s possible.

BRAIN: Hmm. I’ve been hearing stuff about expanding the playoffs. Not to mention those poor Blue Jays and Orioles need a new division. Is there anybody you could…

BUSTER: That’s it! Realignment! (Picks up phone to call source inside MLB offices). Hey guy, this is Buster. I heard you guys were talking about realignment.

MLB SOURCE: Oh yeah, that happened a couple weeks ago. Me and Bud were shithoused on Manischewitz. We were tinkering around with various ideas, like two 15-team leagues -

BUSTER: Two 15-team leagues! Who would move?

SOURCE: Either the Astros or Marlins. You know. Someone useless.

BUSTER: K thx, bai! (Hangs up phone)

SOURCE: Wait, we were just — are you there? Shit.

Buster begins writing.

“A simple form of realignment being seriously considered has been raised in the labor talks between Major League Baseball and the players’ association, according to four sources: two leagues of 15 teams, rather than the current structure of 16 teams in the National League and 14 in the American League.”

BRAIN: Uh, Buster, how the f*ck is that simple? How in the goddamned hell do you account for the fact that there is an odd number of teams in each league? You do realize this means a team won’t be able to play each day, right? As a matter of fact, one NL team and one AL team will probably have to take three straight days off. Or interleague play is going to have to last all season. As far as I can tell, this makes no motherf*cking sense whatsoever.

BUSTER: Shut up, brain! This will get people talking!

BRAIN: Jerking off in public gets people talking too. You shouldn’t get people talking just for the sake of it. Remember, I’m the one who got you into Vanderbilt.

BUSTER: Yeah, Skip Bayless went to Vandy too. What’s your point?

BRAIN: Holy f*ck. No wonder you’re writing asinine garbage. I can’t believe what they taught us at those rates.

BUSTER: If it makes you feel any better, I included the quote “There are still a lot of details that would have to be discussed” from one of my sources.

BRAIN: Well no f*cking shit there are still a lot of details that have to be discussed! This is the stupidest motherf*cking idea I have heard of since Turn Ahead The Clock Night. Are you at least going to provide some sort of detail as to how this plan could possibly work?

BUSTER: I’ve got a scoop here, brain. Details? Where we’re going, we don’t need details.