It’s November, and Big Ten football season is winding down. Indiana just missed out on that conference title chase this year. I bet next year we might even win a conference game or two!
Anyway, I think it’s time for a power ranking for the conference, and not a stupid (no guarantees on that) one like the actual polls. I mean, what do those mean anyway? Like, a simple numbers system with the lower numbers indicating the best teams? Pssh.
Instead, we’re going to do something that’s never been done before in the history of the internet. We’re going to compare each team to something from pop culture, thus showing it’s true value. Can’t believe no one has done this before.
Our muse (aside from the gloriousness of Big Ten football in general) is comparing teams in the Big Ten to members of Coon and Friends, the protagonists of South Park’s latest tripartite episode. Members are ranked in order of overall power/dominance/skills in the conference this year and heading into next year’s expansion.
Nebraska – Cthulu -The dark God rising in the Big Ten. Ohio State might have given them a challenge this year, but no one else in the conference has a realistic shot at this Nebraska team. Nebraska also has a hidden network of insane followers working to bring about the end of the world a national championship. And even though the Cornhuskers are big and scary, they fell for the sweet kitten routine from an awful, awful Texas team this year. Indiana should remember that.
Ohio State – The Coon – The Buckeyes still think the conference is all about them and isn’t a collection of superfriends heading into 2011. Ohio State is incredibly overrated as a hero/team, which requires using the library for “research” to find new strategies.
Wisconsin – Captain Hindsight – The Badgers have a power that everyone respects, but is ultimately their undoing. What should we have done to beat Michigan State? I know! Run the ball more!
Michigan State -Toolshed - The Spartans would choose control over all power tools as their super power. It’s why they can’t have nice things during football season.
Penn State – Mint Berry Crunch – Penn State has always stuck out in the Big Ten. Even after many years in the conference, the Nittany Lions are still the wild card school. Sometimes they’re good, and other times, well, other times it’s the Zack Mills era. They’re also easy to underestimate since their leader is a bit frail looking, but 400 wins has to qualify as some kind of super power. Like the powers of mint and berry coming together with a satisfying crunch!
Northwestern – The Mosquito – Annoying. Nameless. Supposedly can fly, but I’ve never seen it. Not exactly sure what it is the Wildcats do, but they always seem to hang around and no one questions it. Maybe I’m just a little jealous since there’s no way they would have accepted me as an undergrad. Dicks.
Iowa – Mysterion – One of the more tortured members of Coon and Friends. Always ends up dying horribly, but every year people buy into the Hawkeyes all over again like the previous year never happened.
Michigan – Tupperware – Tried to make the coolest costume in Coon and Friends, but it’s still just the spread offense run by an incredibly fast quarterback. General risk of suffocation in helmet. No one is really sure what the Wolverines actually do anymore either, other than let Denard Robinson run around a lot.
Illinois - Iron Maiden – Supposedly indestructible and has cool swords and stuff on the outside, but let’s be real, that is still Ron Zook on the inside.
Purdue – Professor Chaos – The Boilermakers have spent entire season in a cage with a bucket of their own sh*t. Bu that’s still better than watching their football team.
Indiana – The goth kids – The Hoosiers want to be awesome like the dark God, Cthulu, but don’t really want to actually kill anyone. Indiana pretty much exists in a world of pain and loneliness all year round these days and want everyone to feel the same way. The Hoosiers want to be an athletic powerhouse again, but secretly hate P.E. class.
Minnesota – Tony Hayward (CEO of BP/DP) – The Gophers have been spending all their time apologizing for messing up their program by hiring Tim Brewster. Mistakes made better by others in random victory over Illinois. Only team on this list Indiana wouldn’t definitely lose to.