Who Is The NFL Chumpstain Of The Week?

October 24, 2011 – 1:07 am by Hickey

If Week 7 of the NFL season could be summed up in one phrase, it would be this: Holy crap, that was awful.

How does one even go about picking the week’s worst performance?

Given the tallness of the task, we’ll list all of the potential candidates and let you the reader decide. And if you can’t make up your mind, there’s good news. The Jaguars have a game tonight!

Tony Sparano: With Tebowmania descending over America, it’s easy to forget that Timmy’s Sunday Miracle might not have been possible if it weren’t for a decision by Miami coach Tony Sparano.

With his his team up 12-0 after an early fourth-quarter touchdown, Sparano elected to go for 2 rather than kick an extra point that would make it 13-0. I guess I understand the logic — if Denver scores two touchdowns, you’ll be losing anyway whether the score is 14-13 or 14-12.

But it backfired. Had the Dolphins gone for the extra point, Tebow ultimately would have needed to lead the Broncos to a pair of touchdowns and 2-point conversions in the final three minutes instead of the slightly less challenging two touchdowns and one 2-point conversion. Since he played the final three minutes like he had just chugged Gatorade out of the Holy Grail, he probably would have accomplished that. But Sparano made his path easier in what will undoubtedly be one of his final games as Dolphins head coach.

QB Raiders: In case you are wondering why the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade for Carson Palmer — ladies and gentlemen, we present you Kyle Boller.

Boller showed why it is baffling that he has been able to stay employed in a down economy, going 7 0f 14 for 61 yards and three interceptions in Oakland’s 28-0 loss to the Chiefs.

Palmer wasn’t much better as his replacement, throwing three picks of his own, but the guy deserves some slack after spending all of three days with his new team following his “retirement.”

But if this happens again next week, something tells me JaMarcus Russell’s phone may be ringing next week. (It’s under the couch cushion, JaMarcus, next to that Twinkie wrapper. Just tryin’ to help you out, bro).

The Rams Defense: Nothing against rookie running back DeMarco Murray, who ran for 257 yards on 25 carries to set a new franchise record for the Cowboys. But there’s a reason the Rams haven’t won a game yet. Well, a lot of reasons. But let’s wait until Murray plays a real team before crowning him, shall we, Dallas fans?

Anyone at the Browns-Seahawks Game: Whenever I see a 6-3 final score at a football game, I look for outlying factors.

Was there a blizzard? A monsoon? 75 MPH winds? Something, anything, that can explain what happened?

As it turns out, it was a pleasant 62-degree day in Cleveland. What we had was just a good, old-fashioned shitfest.

Philip Rivers: Rivers is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL, but he sucked a fat one on Sunday.

Rivers was 16-for-32 with a pair of interceptions as the Chargers watched a 21-10 halftime lead evaporate into a 27-21 loss. But at no point was he worse than on the Chargers “two-minute drill” in which he took about a minute and a half to run three lousy plays before throwing a 12-foot high incompletion on fourth down to end the game.

The Guy I Played In Fantasy Football Who Started Curtis Painter: Due to a very unfortunate set of circumstances, said anonymous individual was without his starting quarterback in a bye week and somehow left with no option other that starting Curtis Painter.

I felt somewhat comfortable heading into Sunday night’s game with a 52.5-point lead. Turns out I would have been safe with a .5-point lead.

Painter accounted for zero fantasy points, going 9 of 17 for 67 yards and a touchdown — to the Saints, that is — as the Colts were handed a humiliating 62-7 loss.

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  1. 5 Responses to “Who Is The NFL Chumpstain Of The Week?”

  2. 62-7?

    I went to bed at halftime, and I only had the game on as background noise while my wife was avoiding my attempts to get in her pants.

    Curtis Painter was more successful last night than I was…

    By MJenks on Oct 24, 2011

  3. I’d like to nominate the Baltimore Ravens for losing to a shitty Jaguars team. That game was a fitting end to a horrible Week 7.

    By Cousin Charlie on Oct 24, 2011

  4. To re-emphasize that, the “highlight videos” to that game linked on the main page of NFL.com are “Watch: Players Scuffle”, “Jaguars Recover Fumble”, and “Ravens Force Turnover”. Barf.

    By Cousin Charlie on Oct 24, 2011

  5. I think Cousin Charlie has a very good point. 16 yards of offense in the first half? 0 first downs? AGAINST THE JAGUARS???

    Sort of connected…where are all the RedSkins fans this week, crowing and cawing and talking shit about Green Bay after getting manhandle by the Panthers? Just curious…

    By MJenks on Oct 25, 2011

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