Texas A&M Admits To Penis Envy

September 1, 2011 – 1:39 am by Hickey

After failing to obtain a large enough order of Extenz from Jimmy Johnson to suit its needs, Texas A&M came out with the next-best solution for its problem on Wednesday by admitting it will be leaving the Big 12 Conference at the end of the school year.

The Aggies have felt slighted since last year when rival Texas underwent the penile-enhancement surgery that created the Longhorn Network and gave itself a Ron Jeremy-like advantage over the rest of its conference brethren.  As documented at the time, the Longhorns played the situation perfectly, flirting with the Pac-10 and causing Colorado and Nebraska to jump ship before playing the role of Big 12 savior and keeping more of the coffers for themselves.

None of this sat particularly well in College Station, where folks have always looked to their rivals from Austin in a borderline creepy manner. But rather than stick around and cross swords with the Longhorns like they have for the last century, the Aggies are going to take their balls and go elsewhere.

Where? Most likely the SEC, although it makes absolutely no sense for that conference to add another team without a corresponding dance partner. Unless some school like Virginia Tech, Louisville or Georgia Tech (I’m just naming names here) is able to ditch its league as well, I’d tell A&M to pound sand in the meantime. However, that’s not likely to happen.

Though Texas A&M’s decision to break up one of college sports keystone rivalries seems more juvenile than this blog entry, we can at least understand why they’re feeling inadequate. Their rival for recruits’ attention has rigged the playing field and some type of response was needed.

So while A&M will look like the bad guy for bringing us a step closer to creating four superleagues and eliminating all that is great about college sports, don’t forget that UT precipitated the situation when it decided it needed to show off its new ESPN package.

The obsession with everything being bigger in Texas knows no bounds.

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  1. 2 Responses to “Texas A&M Admits To Penis Envy”

  2. Those House Divided plates are fucking dumb. I get it for something like Carolina/Duke, they’re close, they’re rivals, they’re in the same fucking state. But I saw one once that was NC State/Va Tech. I guess I get it, but…

    By MJenks on Sep 1, 2011

  3. So, the funniest thing I saw about this (other than EDSBS’ take) was someone posted on Facebook: “If you’re wearing an A&M shirt, you went to A&M. If you’re wearing a Texas shirt, you went to Wal-Mart.”

    It’s probably an old joke, but it was the first time I had seen it. It made one of my originally-from-Texas colleagues laugh with giddy delight.

    By MJenks on Sep 1, 2011

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