Imagine This Guy Having Sex With You For Six Years…

August 16, 2011 – 11:54 pm by Matthew Glenesk

…yeah, I didn’t think you’d like that. And neither do Leeds United fans.

A decade ago, Leeds United was playing in the Champions League. Now the famed soccer club enters its eighth consecutive season out of England’s top flight and is getting more attention for Michael Sheen’s masterful performance in “The Damn United,” than any of the team’s on-the-field-exploits.

Leeds’ fall from grace was purely due to a financial collapse that would make Wall Street blush. The team overspent on players, took on vast loans and became rife with debt. We’re sure it was all Obama’s fault. But then in 2005, the team sought out former Chelsea owner Ken Bates, who bought a 50 percent stake in the club, and now the club is debt free.

But there were bumps along the way, including administration and relegation to League One (England’s third tier), which has only lessened Bates’ popularity with Leeds supporters, one of which I’m sure has taken the liberty to edit this onto Bates’ Wikipedia page: “While Ken Bates’ view of Leeds United is ‘one last challenge,’ many Leeds fans view that it is one last chance to increase his family inheritance.”

So he wants a hereditary title in Yorkshire just like those Scottish turncoats in “Braveheart.”

But all in all, Bates’ ownership has been successful in terms of regaining a financial foothold. And things have improved on the field. Last season, Leeds narrowly missed out on promotion to the Premier League, losing in the playoffs.

So naturally, now that there is some money to be spent and glory to be had, Leeds fans want to splash the cash. Have they learned nothing? Apparently not, and this weekend they protested at the lack of spending (though to their credit they didn’t burn down London Bridge).

Bates was none-too-impressed, calling the protestors “morons,” before going all Dr. Ruth on us.

“I saved your club in 2005 and 2007 when nobody else would. The rebuilding of Leeds United is a bit like sex. In an age of instant gratification, Leeds United is having a long, drawn-out affair with plenty of foreplay and slow arousal.”

I can see the frustration. Foreplay does get old after 30 minutes, but what is this ‘slow arousal’ he speaks of?

“We’re in this for the long term. We may have had two disappointing results, but we will get there – we are building for the future.”

Yeah, see now that’s more my style. If at first you don’t succeed…

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