After watching the United States women’s soccer team’s incredible comeback in the 2011 Women’s World Cup quarterfinals against Brazil, I had a ton of things rushing through my head. What heart. What an improbable comeback. What a match. How cool was that to watch? Oh, and I have fallen helplessly, hopelessly in love with United States goalkeeper Hope Solo.
So here is my very private letter to Ms. Solo (who is single) letting her know how I feel.
You were incredible against Brazil, but that’s not why I’m writing this. I just want you to know that we’re perfect for each other. Yes, you read that right. You and I are completely perfect for each other. I’ll give you a minute so you can digest just how lucky you are.
Watching you go into beast mode during the match yesterday just did it for me. By the time you made your (I’m estimating here) 20th ridiculous save, I was swooning. What can I say? Experts all claim you’re the world’s best goalie, and, frankly, I can’t disagree with that…I can’t agree either, since I don’t really know anything about women’s soccer.
When you stopped that first penalty kick, and the referee awarded another, and you flipped out and got a yellow card, I was all set to throw down with that Australian broad who FIFA apparently deemed qualified enough to referee the match. Not that I’d ever hit a woman or anything I just mean that…moving on.
I know you’re a taller girl at 5’9, but I’m 6’3 so it would totally work. And while most guys these days are all obsessed with someone like Kate Upton, I think you’re way hotter. I mean, what does Kate Upton have besides a rack that won’t quit, perfect face, smile like a dream, kick ass personality and general sexiness? Uh, but enough about Kate Upton, I don’t even know why you brought her up. Point is, you’re my type, and watching you sprawl all over the pitch against Brazil was just about the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
My future kids need to be athletic, and with you that’s basically assured. Oh, and I promise, no Star Wars-related jokes involving your name.
I know you travel a lot for work, and make more money than I do, which is totally fine with me, I don’t have an issue bringing in less cash than my spouse. In fact, I could totally do the Mr. Mom thing if that’s what you want, since, I’ve secretly always wanted to be Michael Keaton anyway. That’s right, a sportswriter is willing to give up his fledgling career to raise our future children. That is dedication.
In fact, for you I’d be willing to end my longstanding opposition to straight marriage.
So Hope Solo, what do you think? Can we make it a Duo?
P.S. – I know a guy who knows a guy who could totally ruin Briana Scurry’s credit, you know, if you want me to do something about that. We’ll talk.