The 2010 Rumors And Rants College Football Awards

December 16, 2010 – 11:06 pm by McD

The Internets have ruined our attention spans to the point that we need to find ways to entertain ourselves between when the regular season of college football ends and the start of bowl season. I swear we used to be able to find things to do before the Internet meant anything, I just can’t remember when because OMGthisissoawesomeonYouTube*.

Er, anyway, we decided that since no one cares about the regular college football awards it was time for us to hand out our own season-ending awards.

The Captain Ahab Award

Given annually to a major conference coordinator who took a job at a school with no hope of winning just to be a head coach and maybe (long-shot) win some games to eventually get a better position.

Winner: Kevin Wilson – Indiana

Since it’s our alma mater, we’re pretty happy with the guy. He seems like he knows what he’s doing and is genuinely interested in winning while in Bloomington. But let’s be real here, there’s very little chance of turning the Hoosiers into anything resembling a winner in the Leaders (seriously?) division of the Big Ten. He’s there because it’s a head coaching job and if he does manage to win some games, bigger programs or the NFL are going to take notice. It’s fine, we know our role in the college football stratosphere. We just have a feeling Wilson is going to wake up one morning very soon and realize just how big a hill he has to climb.

The Purina Dog Chow Roll Over and Play Dead Award

Given to the team that did the best job rolling over in a big game during the regular season when they should have won.

Winner: Alabama in the Iron Bowl

Seriously, a 24-0 lead at home and a chance to ruin their biggest rival’s shot at the national title? Seriously? This choke job even led me to speculate that Alabama (no Rick Roll this time, I swear) went to Vegas the week before the game and went heavy on Auburn and a few prop bets about who’d be winning at halftime. It makes perfect freaking sense to take the game out of Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson’s hands and let Greg McElroy throw his way to defeat. Great strategy by the coaching staff there. Even better that the comeback by Auburn totally overshadowed the hurricane swirling around Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.

Speaking of that…

The WTF Award

Given to the maker of the most inexplicable, indefensible decision of the year.

Winner: The NCAA

Nick Saban and Jim McElwain almost won this one for going all Mike Leach with Greg McElroy in the Iron Bowl, but the NCAA choosing to not punish Cam Newton on the heels of their ultra-harsh punishment of USC just sucked. It just sucked. They set an awful precedent for the way parents of recruits can behave towards colleges, and they opened Pandora’s Box in such an obviously stupid way that there’s no way they didn’t know what they were doing.

Back in August, I thought the NCAA only cared about problems within programs that involved money. They decided, however, that it only matters when players or their families apparently get anything worth anything, but shoot fire if they’re not allowed to ask for the world. Two hundred and fifty grand just for Cam Newton’s services for possibly one year? That’s outrageous even if Reggie Bush’s family did get a house from an agent or marketer or whatever.*

Worse, Bush’s parents made a deal on their own that had no effect on Bush whatsoever. He was already at USC and was already great and about to win the Heisman when his parents took some stuff from a potential business partner. Cecil Newton just went around asking for money himself or through intermediaries.

And it was those intermediaries that ratted him out, along with Mississippi State the minute it happened. With Bush, the NCAA went on the word of a very shady source who had absolutely no corroborating evidence to back his claims. Even Cecil Newton himself admitted he was asking for money. Any punishment for Newton? Any consequences for Auburn for recruiting an obviously tainted recruit? Of course not. This makes perfect sense all the way around.

Yes, the two cases are different and that means enforcement was going to be different, but to punish one team/player so harshly based on very little evidence, then let the other completely off the hook makes absolutely no sense.

Jesus Christ the NCAA sucks.

*Bush’s family actually just lived in a house rent-free for a few months, they weren’t given it.

The Chris Rix Award

Given annually to the player who exemplifies excellence in disappointing everyone around college football.

Winner: Jake Locker

Fifteen weeks ago, most experts had him up there with Andrew Luck, Jesus, and Roger Staubach in the quarterback pantheon. Twelve games later, even a “Come on, man!” from Cris Carter doesn’t nearly do his 2010 season justice. He was just plain bad, and the Huskies went with him. Not that it stopped them from beating USC for the second year in a row.

Sure it’s not fair for the so-called experts to place that kind of expectations on him with absolutely no precedent, but when they’re this wrong…come on, man!

The Ron Meyer Memorial Hilariously Dirty Program Award

Given to the coach who brazenly runs the most dirty program in the nation, yet goes on like nothing’s happening.

Winner: Butch Davis

This is too easy, considering the season-long controversy surrounding his program. His players were off in Florida cavorting with agents at parties, assistant coaches had major ties to agents, and it all seemed vaguely reminiscent of Davis’ days at The U. Oh right, the academic misconduct allegations at UNC happened too. If Davis’ Carolina teams had ever managed to win anything, there would be a 30 for 30 documentary about them called “Tar Heel Blues!” Get it?!? Hilarious.

To be fair, Butch Davis has a formula for winning, and he’s going to follow it whether it’s legal and ethical or not. And if the namby-pamby NCAA and University of North Carolina aren’t OK with that, well, there’s a reason they’re not in the SEC or the old Big Eight conference, isn’t there?

Congratulations Butch Davis. You have achieved something great for dirty football programs once again. Only this time, there’s no NFL job waiting for you.

The Urban Meyer Quitter Award

Given yearly to the man who best exemplifies quitting. Named for former Florida coach Urban Meyer after he quit during preparations for the 2010 Sugar Bowl.

Winner: Urban Meyer

First it was heart problems and then it was wanting to spend time watching his kids play sports. Either way, Meyer is gone from Florida (again) and he’s not coming back this time (Muschamp!). And sure, family is most important thing in a man’s life, but if major health problems aren’t going to keep you away from the job that’s killing you, this whole family thing seems like an excuse to get away from John Brantley, and fast. So now his kids matter, but all those other years he wasn’t sleeping and never went home were cool?

On the other hand, I’m sure the Indiana job will be available when Meyer decides to return to coaching…

The Isiah Thomas “So Crazy It Might Work” Award

Given to the program, school, or coach that creates a completely untenable situation like a toddler running headlong into a wall.

Winner: West Virginia

The Mountaineers win this one for telling Bill Stewart he was either fired or getting one more year with a coach in waiting.

And congratulations to Dana Holgorsen for getting the WVU job in 2012 while getting to spend 2011 undermining Bill Stewart and doing whatever the hell he wants.

This was a very late entry into the awards, but it won for its sheer stupidity. Why the school thought this could work and why Stewart would agree to it at all is completely beyond us. Everyone would love to be in Holgorsen’s situation, what with his head start on recruiting, snarky comments at coaches’ meetings, and installing his offense. But anyone who thinks a team with two leaders is going to do anything in 2011 is high from the burning couch fumes.

/west fu*king virginia’d

The Dan Mowrey Award

Given to the kicker who manages to miss a kick in a historical, permanently painful, and yet slightly hilarious way.

Winner: Kyle Brotzman

Everyone had been high on Boise State since before the season started. Everyone knew the Nevada game was going to be tough. Everyone knew Brotzman had been rock solid for the whole year too. Boise had a Heisman contender in quarterback Kellen Moore, they even had a shot at a historic berth in the BCS championship game even though Alabama had thrown the Iron Bowl earlier in the day.

Then in the actual game, Nevada tied it in a fantastic comeback only to have Boise do this. Then Brotzman did this. And this (1:20 mark). Nevada’s kicker nails the game-winner, the Wolfpacks’ fans storm the field, give me a  classic image of Boise’s kicker with hands on head … Aaaaaaaand scene.

Sucks to be Kyle Brotzman pretty much forever. This one isn’t going away, which is what makes him truly deserving of the Dan Mowrey Award since Mowrey is probably sitting at home hoping people had finally forgotten his name. Sorry Dan.

The Gerry DiNardo Thanks For Nothing Award

For the fired coach who was supposed to do SOMETHING at his former job but failed miserably.

Winner: Tim Brewster

Brewster’s time at Minnesota was pretty much a disaster from start to finish. He tried to run the spread and the pro-style offense. He didn’t even recruit as well as his predecessor, Glen Mason. He was even beset by injuries to his bad players at the end. The Gophers ended up with Jerry Kill as a reward for their suffering, but I’m pretty sure they’d rather have those four years back.

Special Honoree for 2010:

The Marv Marinovich Award for Outstanding Parenting of a Young Athlete

Winner: Cecil Newton

Usually reserved for the parents of tennis/soccer/hockey/baseball players, Cecil Newton managed to achieve greatness in 2010.

Not only did he completely taint his son’s Heisman Trophy-winning season, he managed to throw Auburn’s entire season into question, get the NCAA to utterly contradict itself and still make himself the story by not attending the Heisman ceremony in New York because he didn’t want to be a distraction.

That, friends, is some spectacular parenting, and we haven’t even mentioned how he and a couple of friends went around asking different colleges for boatloads of money so his son Cam would play football for them.

The man is an excellent example for all insane, micro-managing sports parents in the future. We really can’t say enough about the man and his utter lack of grace or understanding of basic concepts of right and wrong. You, sir, are the king of sports parents. And thanks to the NCAA, you and Cam will receive no punishment for anything you’ve done over the past year.

Cecil Newton’s achievements in 2010 simply cannot be equaled, making this a fantastic way to end our awards ceremony for the year. Thank you so much for actually reading this far, and we’ll see you next year when more absurd sh*t happens. This is, after all, college football.

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  1. 15 Responses to “The 2010 Rumors And Rants College Football Awards”

  2. I actually think the WVU move was a pretty good move.

    By Monney on Dec 17, 2010

  3. Good job, you guys. Re: Bush, I would just clarify one point that the MSM has wrong. Bush’s parents lived in a house w/out paying rent for 7 mos. There was even a rental agreement, purportedly. However, they were never “given” a house. The house was never put in their name or gifted to them, or financing provided for them to buy the house. It was owned by one of the would-be agents, and he allowed them to live there w/out collecting the rent for 7 mos.

    Otherwise, great post!

    By KRM on Dec 17, 2010

  4. get your facts straight. cecil newton didn’t go around to different colleges asking for boatloads of money. one guy close to MSU brought up money, cecil didn’t say no, and that is the extent of the irresponsibly-labeled “shopping” that occurred.

    By wcm on Dec 17, 2010

  5. WCM,
    Actually no, it was determined by the NCAA that Cecil Newton and Kenny Rogers engineered a pay-for-play scheme and communicated it to Mississippi State. Cecil even admitted to his involvement to the NCAA. So get YOUR facts straight before you accuse us of being wrong.

    Actually read the NCAA’s ruling instead of just going off what other people are saying. We have, so we know what we’re talking about.

    By Phillips on Dec 17, 2010

  6. KRM,
    We added an asterisk to the Bush item. We actually know the Bush story well, backwards and forwards, but the comment about the house was more in the “rant” area, where we were just spouting vitriol (notice the “whatever” at the end).

    By Phillips on Dec 17, 2010

  7. listen to yourself. you just admitted what i said to you. $$ was only involved at MSU, because Kenny Rogers brought it up and Cecil entertained the idea. there was no “shopping around” so yeah, you are wrong.

    By wcm on Dec 17, 2010

  8. listen to yourself. you just admitted what i said to you. $$ was only involved at MSU, because Kenny Rogers brought it up and Cecil entertained the idea. there was no “shopping around” so yeah, you are wrong.

    “he and a couple of friends went around asking different colleges for boatloads of money so his son Cam would play football for them.”

    Kenny Rogers was not a friend. MSU is not “different colleges”, it is ONE college. If you don’t think I’ve read everything involved in this case you are sadly mistaken. It is truly irresponsible to erroneously remix the facts and load them with your own innuendo.

    By wcm on Dec 17, 2010

  9. If Kenny Rogers wasn’t a friend, then what was he? I don’t usually let randoms do my money-seeking for me. Just saying. Also, sorry for using the plural when talking about what Cecil Newton did. After all, MSU was the only one to report what he did, though it makes no sense whatsoever to think they were the only school Rogers or Newton asked for money. What, they wanted him to go to Auburn for free out of the goodness of their hearts?

    By McD on Dec 17, 2010

  10. Part of the fabric of misinformation out there, again reinforced by your very article, is that Bush got a $750,000 home. As someone else pointed out, was an error as it was rent only. That’s a $730,000 difference. And your “whatever” rant doesn’t prevent that misperception from continuing. I’d venture to say 90% of the public likely believes Bush was GIVEN a $750,000 home BY USC, hence they cheated and DESERVE the punishment they got. The sports media was so crafted in helping spread mistruths, the public also thinks USC gave them the house, not an Agent.
    That makes this SCAM Newton issue all the more screwed, as Institutions were involved, as well as the Fact the father did shop him around. That in itself is Illegal and makes the player ineligible. But of course the NCAA chose to change it’s own definition of illegal and found a loop hole to let their SEC/NCAA/ESPN star earn them all lots of money in the BCS. Who cares if they can later declare him ineligible in 3 months, by then they all made their money, and the BS inflated perception of the SEC is allowed to grow.

    By AlohaMike on Dec 17, 2010

  11. thank you for showing your ignorance. you make the jump from p4p at MSU to p4p at every college everywhere without a shred of evidence or actual logic. what makes no sense is you thinking you somehow are more informed than the SEC and the NCAA regarding this situation.

    also, I had no idea you were a top-ranked recruit coming out of high school! tell me, how did you go about seeking your money? Did you ask your “friend” of a WEEK or so to ask around to “different colleges for boatloads of money” or did you foolishly entertain the idea of a plan hatched by a former MSU player whom you just met and is currently under investigation by the NFLPA for malfeasance?

    I commend you for your appropriate slogan “The Wade Phillips of Sports Blogs” because, damn, you truly are that. Can we get a late season interim blogger in here??

    By wcm on Dec 17, 2010

  12. WCM,
    What you don’t seem to be getting here is that Kenny Rogers didn’t just OFFER money to the Newtons, he conspired with Cecil Newton and sought out money for Cecil and Cam. What is so hard for you to understand about that? You seem to be claiming the Newtons are completely free of blame but Cecil ADMITTED he sought to get paid for Cam to attend MSU. It wasn’t like MSU was just offering him cash out of nowhere or it just randomly came up and Cecil entertained the thought. Long before he was working with Rogers he was telling people it would take more than just a scholarship to get his son to go to school. He saw other kids getting paid when Cam went to Florida, and realized they had missed an opportunity then.

    And yeah, we’ve heard from a ton of sources that Cecil mentioned money with other schools too. It will all come out eventually. There’s a reason the NCAA hasn’t closed the case yet. Despite what Auburn fans seem to be telling themselves, the investigation is not over, it is ongoing.

    Come on man, you’re obviously an Auburn fan and you’ve got blinders on. It’s fine, I’m sure there are other people doing the same thing, but realize that your view of this is completely colored by your allegiance.

    Even if Cam had no knowledge of the money scheme (which is a ridiculous assumption), by the SEC’s bylaws, he should be ineligible because a member of his family sought money from a school. Regardless of which school, or who was involved, that’s what the rules say. The SEC bent its own rules to keep Newton eligible because of the black eye it would have caused for the conference. To have an undefeated team ruled out and the Heisman Trophy favorite declared ineligible would have crushed the conference. If you can’t see that, you’re absolutely choosing to turn a blind eye to the situation.

    By Phillips on Dec 17, 2010

  13. did i say nothing foolish happened at MSU? no. Did i say Cecil played no role in it? no. my only point in even commenting on this otherwise amusing article was the irresponsible manner in which you insinuate that Cecil was seeking $$ at every college that recruited Cam. That is simply not what the facts bear out. Until these ‘tons of sources’ produce facts that show otherwise, you should be more responsible with your attempts at journalism.

    I’m sure the SEC would appreciate the Wade Phillips of Sports Blogs’ assistance next time a legal interpretation comes into play. Auburn is accused of NOTHING, but you go ahead and keep perpetuating the myth that some kind of axe is coming down in the future if that helps you rationalize the guilty-before-proven-innocent position you’ve taken.

    By wcm on Dec 17, 2010

  14. USC wasn’t accused of anything either. that didn’t stop SEC fans from claiming they cheated.

    By watuppp on Dec 18, 2010

  15. As an Indiana alum myself, I’m disappointed to be classified with you. I have no illusions that Indiana will ever be made into a Florida or Texas, but there are a ton of resources available to the football program now. To think that we can’t be elevated at least to the level of a Northwestern is ridiculous. It’s that exact attitude among IU fans that I hate seeing. They’ll care about IU basketball and nothing else.

    By Josh on Dec 18, 2010

  16. There may have been a modicum of sarcasm in that award, Josh.

    By McD on Dec 18, 2010

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