Your Official Ridiculous Colts’ Super Bowl XLIV E-Mail Thread

Every group has one. That one nut. A crazed fan who spouts off stats more than The Situation lifts his shirt.

I have a friend who qualifies. He is without a doubt the most ridiculous sports fan I’ve ever encountered. I swear, if this kid put half as much effort into real life issues as he does researching sports, he would have cured cancer five years ago.

He’s the guy that sends mass e-mails and three-page long text messages every Sunday regarding fantasy football updates or his beloved Indianapolis Colts. If you respond once, you’re fucked. An avalanche follows.

Last week my roommate told me to listen to the radio because my crazed fanatical friend was going to be on Melvin Bullitt and Marlin Jackson’s radio show.

I turned the radio on and waited. And waited. Forty-five minutes later, I finally hear my boy. And of course, he came with his uncanny knowledge that left Bullitt, Indy’s enforcer in the secondary, impressed. How could he not be? I’m telling you, my boy’s got skillz.

Don’t believe me, see for yourself:

At 1:28 p.m. Tuesday, he e-mailed out a link to 12 recipients titled, “We rest everyone (at a random time in Week 16) then most of Week 17, yet two players (especially Freeney) get hurt in playoff games that are basically over (Freeney final mins of game). Kinda Ironic, Moreso SCARY.”

If you think the subject title is lengthy, just wait until you get to the e-mails.

In six hours, there were 26 responses, including the first response which read:
“No offense to anyone but (Stat Boy) - I’m just gonna say this right now - please don’t include me on any of your colts emails until after the super bowl. Thanks.”

Only seven on the e-mail list participated. I was among the lurkers.

This is an actual e-mail chain, initiated by one of the nation’s most ridiculous fans. But because of his insane adoration for sports, I think this might just be the most comprehensive breakdown of next week’s Super Bowl.

Excuse the grammar and language.

1:48 p.m.
Stat Boy: My bad non colt fans. I just figure dudes that will text me non-stop if we’re losing need to know that having a BANGED UP and/or god forbid no DWIGHT “2nd most sacks in NFL since 2002″ FREENEY or our best cover corner this year (Powers) vs a GREAT PASSING team (500 points or 33.3 ppg in 15 games that Brees played in, top 6 of all time) is kinda a big deal. The one game Freeney didn’t play AT ALL this year was @ Houston and we were down 17-0 within 12 mins. We recovered and won somehow, but NO’s offense is that much better than Houston and at least we had Powers that game.

PLEASE GET HEALTHY BOYS! Go in a hyperbaric chamber, take pain pills, but please be close to 100% or else Saints 4/5 WR sets could torch us. Hopefully John “Fred Phen” Clayton is exaggeratting “Serious” ankle injury

3:40 p.m.
Friend A: Pfft.. Banged up.. Blind folded. All we have to play is NO? Piece of cake.

5:08 p.m.
Stat Boy: lets give them some respect dude. yes they lucked into that win vs Minn, but they were number 2 in causing turnovers in regular season (number 1 now including playoffs) so it’s not complete luck. They did start 13-0 (Only SEVEN NFL teams have EVER done that!) and scored the 6th most points EVER! They won their first 8 games by 18, 26, 20, 14 (24-10 vs Jets @ home), 21, 12, 8, and 10, then by 5, then 31, 21 (38-17 home vs COMPLETELY healthy Pats team w/ Welker who lost @ Colts 2 weeks earlier in primetime 35-34 after being up 31-14 in early 4th qt and 34-21 w/ 4 mins left). They then beat Az 45-14 in their playoff game (up 35-14 AT HALF and pulled starters in 4th!). When Drew Brees plays and they’re trying to win they’re 15-2 (including the playoffs with 11 of the 15 wins coming by AT LEAST 8+ points, 9 of the 15 coming by AT LEAST TWO touchdowns!).

Jabari Greer is an underrated very solid cover CB for them who missed games 9-15. Tracey Porter missed 4 games in that stretch as well when their games became closer (They had to sign Chris McCalister and Mike Mckenzie off the street for 3 games for god’d sake). Those 2 are both healthy now and along with Sharper (9 INTs, 3 defensive TDs this year at safety) paired with solid Roman Harper held Farve to one of his worst games all year, Brady with healthy Welker had 2 INTs and ZERO TDs @ Saints, Sanchez had zero TDs, 3 INTs, and a fumble (2 of his turnovers were turned into TDs by Saints D), Warner with 1 INT and ZERO TDs (Warner, Favre, and Brady who are all hall of famers and all pro bowlers THIS year had 1 TOTAL passing TD and 5 INTs). Saints secondary held Fitzgerald/Doucett/Breaston to zero receiving TDs and Rice/Harvin/Berrian to zero TD catches in the playoffs (which is an impressive feat). They held Welker/Moss to 9 COMBINED catches for 99 TOTAL yards and ZERO TDS (Welker & Moss combo vs Colts 2 weeks prior put up 18 catches for 273 yards and 2 TDs). So again when healthy their secondary has done some pretty impressive things. Do I think we can still torch them with Peyton running the show and all of our weapons? Sure, but these numbers above are no joke.

Peyton is unreal, disgusting, arguably the best ever, and was simply amazing vs Jets, but let’s not just forget about Brees. He played 15 games (just like peyton basically) and had 34 TDs (1 more TD than P), 11 INTs (5 less picks), 110 QB rating (which led league to Peyton’s 100), and 70.6 completion % (an NFL record, to Peyton’s 68.8%). In the playoffs his QB rating in 2 games is 116 (granted Cards banged up secondary inflates those numbers and is nowhere near as tough as Balt/NYJ, but still 3 TDs in both games and ZERO picks is VERY impressive) while Manning’s is 105 (again peyton’s has been against MUCH better defenses in playoffs so far for sure). Brees along with Manning (who has done it twice now) are the only QBs to have 4,000+ yd seasons in 4 or more straight years. He threw for 5000+ last yr (2nd person ever) for god’s sake

Pierre Thomas/Bush Combo is pretty legit also (even as good as we’ve been stopping the run). They were around 5-7th in rushing all year and 4th in passing AKA very balanced.

They’re getting zero respect now which is also a motivating factor as is playing for an entire city (along with having all the casual fans cheering for them at Superbowl). Any Colt fan who thinks it’s going to be a blowout or easy is on crack. And if Freeney is out (or even limited and not creating havoc like usual) and Powers doesn’t play it makes it REAL tough on us. The stats don’t lie boys, the stats don’t lie and the bottom line is we NEED freeney to be creating havoc and Powers back there marking Colston/Meachem/Henderson, but ESPECIALLY Freeney getting double teamed and hurrying/sacking Brees.

Luckly the Colts aren’t thinking like (Friend A) does about the Saints. If they did they would get shitted on. So far this playoff every team that the media has fallen in love with has gotten beaten. Packers, Cowboys, Chargers, Jets, Vikings. Colts know not to buy into this shit about how we’re big favorites. Especially if 93/25 are hurting.

5:09 p.m.
Friend A: Bottom line - our offense is just as good. Our defense is better.

5:15 p.m.
Friend B: bottom line, (Stat Boy) where do you have time to write these?

5:15 p.m.
Guy I Don’t Really Know A: Reggie Bush’s lady is hotter than any woman a Colts player has ever had sex with. Advantage Saints.

5:16 p.m.
Guy I Don’t Really Know B: did anyone actually read (Stat Boy’s) rant?

5:23 p.m.
Guy I Don’t Really Know C: I’m seriously impressed by the sheer size of that rant. How long did it take to write (Stat Boy)? (research included)

5:27 p.m.
Friend A: I’d rather take Kendra than Kim K. Just my opinion.

5:31 p.m.
Guy I Don’t Really Know A: I’d bet Peyton fucks hotter bitches on the side than Kim K. Although, Reggie Bush probably does too..

5:33 p.m.
Stat Boy: With Freeney 100% and Powers, yes absolutely. In terms of points allowed and total yards no doubt about it. We were top 3 in scoring defense when we tried this year (through 14 games), but Saints did cause 39 turnovers compared to our 25 (they were +11, we were +2 in turnover differential). Again I’m just trying to point out that their team is still very legit. I obviously still love our chances, but you have to respect the Saints and what they’ve done. 7th team ever to start 13-0, 15-2, 9 wins by 14-31 points, #1 by far in points scored per game, # 1 in turnovers forced (including playoffs), everyone so far picking against them, playing for city (Katrina Karma). We need Freeney healthy balling FOR SURE. Anyone who thinks otherwise is nuts. Powers would help immensely also. Sanchez (who played very good no doubt and has a bright future) was 17-29 for 257 yards and 2 TDs until Clowney tipped his final pass for an INT which made him 17-30 for 257 2 TDs and 1 INT. If Freeney is limited, what do you think Drew Brees is going to do? WE MUST HAVE FREENEY along with severely underrated stud madman MATHIS causing havoc on Brees (just like cowboys in week 14 with Ware and Spencer) or else it’s going to be a struggle to hold them under 28 points. While I was glad to be playing Saints instead of Vikings, that doesn’t mean Saints aren’t dangerous. Everyone say a prayer every night until Feb 7th for Freeney’s ankle.

“Shema Yisrael, Adonai eloheinu, Adonai echad……………..” every night for this guy

5:39 p.m.
Stat Boy: Honestly it took me about 20 mins. I remember stats extremely well when I hear them. Had to look up some to see the exact #s what Welker/Moss put up vs saints compared to vs us (they dominated us and were shut down by them for what it’s worth…sad but true). I knew they had beaten their first 8 teams by at least 8+ points (b-c my team was undefeated and we won 5 in a row by 4 points or less and 7 total so i always compared it to what the other 13-0 team did).

Bottom line is if both teams were completely healthy coming out, I’d say Colts 34 Saints 24 (that’s with Freeney @ close to 100% and close to 100% Powers marking Colston most of the game and/or Meachem/Henderson when not on him). Without those 2 or with those 2 limited it’s much more of a tossup. We’ll have to wait and see

5:44 p.m.
Stat Boy: but i had to look at their complete gamelog to see just how many they did win by 8+ total. It wasn’t that hard since I knew they lost last 3 (2 trying) and barely beat Falcons, Redskins, Rams. Also wanted to see for myself when Porter/Greer combo was healthy and playing together b-c IU Talent that is Porter and Tenn Undrafted underrated very solid CB Greer is a pretty good combo to pair with Sharper and Harper. Now obivously Peyton can tear up ANYONE anytime anywhere, but it needed to pointed out that they shut down Brady (with Welker and moss in dome where those 3 almost always dominate win or lose), Warner, and Favre (somewhat even though he threw for 310…beat the fuck out of him though…they tend to throw a lot of late/dirty hits I feel like).

PS When Kim K is 100% in shape she’s UNREAL. Murdering Kendra. Phat bottom girls make the world go round (Friend A). Freeney fucks dimes by the way and Collie dominates the Morman dimes out there (if they exist)

5:49 p.m.
Stat Boy: i got home from work @ 4:30 and started writing this at 4:47. Those are pretty impressive numbers for the saints. I was cheering hard for them to beat vikings also, but when they’re healthy and banging on all cylinders, it’s hard to argue that they’re not a formidable opponent.

6:30 p.m.
Friend B: Ray J

6:33 p.m.
Stat Boy: John Clayton who was just on NFL Live was asked, “Granted We’re still 12 days away from the Super Bowl, but How Big of a concern is this for the Colts right now?”

“It’s the biggest concern of Super Bowl week and Super Bowl pre-week b-c this is a bad ankle injury. It’s not a high ankle sprain, but it’s not your normal variety ankle sprain. Most players if they would have this, I’d say they would be doubtful for two weeks, but you can’t doubt Freeney b-c he’s a fast healer. I think he has a chance to play. If he HAD to play this weekend though, I don’t think he’d make it. The extra week will help him, but BELIEVE ME, this is a serious ankle injury.”

Exactly what I didn’t want to hear. We’re Up 30-17 with 2:22 left and the Jets have the ball at THEIR OWN 32 yard line (68 yards for a TD to cut it 6) and freeney rushes Sanchez and lands on dudes ankle. Terrible Irony

By the way Saints better not get calls like they did against Vikings in the Overtime. PT Cruiser looked to be short on 4th and .5 yards, meachem def dropped the ball, and there was ZERO pass INT which was a 15 yard penalty. Katrina was terrible, but give MJ, I mean Peyton the calls please, don’t give NO sympathy calls. Thanks

7:43 p.m.
Supposed-Nemesis A: props to (Stat Boy) for holding down a job and informing everyone in naptown with colts/IU/pacers stats and updates every 10-20 minutes. Is there anything this man can’t do?????

7:56 p.m.
Guy I Don’t Really Know B: (Stat Boy), your such a pussy. You have the winningest team of the decade as far as W’s, arguably the best qb ever, and just overall stacked team.

Quit lining up the excuses in case you lose, walk around swinging your dick and talk some shit. Take the (Friend A) approach.

…And then it ends. The conversation goes quiet. Though I doubt this will be the last we hear from Stat Boy before Feb. 7. Stay tuned.