Urban Meyer, Disciplinarian

November 5, 2009 – 2:58 am by Hickey


Urban Meyer is named for a pope, so he was pretty much born to be a rule-maker.

Meyer displayed some of his renowned iron-fisted ways this week, suspending linebacker Brandon Spikes for an entire half against Vanderbilt after Spikes tried gouging the eyes of Georgia running back Washuan Ealey in last week’s game. (The suspension eventually was moved up to a full game at the insistence of Spikes, who did not want to become a distraction to the team).

Based on Meyer’s punishment, we couldn’t help but imagine how some historical situations might have played out if he was the one making the judgements.

Spanish Inquisition: “If any of you Jews and heretics know how to play ball, we’re willing to sweep this thing under the rug.”

Salem Witch Trials: “If one of you can put a curse on Nick Saban, no one is burning at the stake on my watch.”

Nuremberg Trials: “Time served plus 500 hours of community service at the local JCC should be a sufficient penalty.”

Charles Manson: Sentenced to work at a community center with children.

Al Capone: Conviction on income tax evasion overturned on account of all he’s done for the community, particularly ridding the city of several members of its criminal element.

O.J. Simpson Trial: “Of course the glove doesn’t fit! You still have a year of eligibility left, right?”

Jeffrey Dahmer: Three years probation.

Dennis Rodman after kicking a cameraman in the balls: “Have your agent type up an apology so you can start the next game.”

Todd Bertuzzi after mugging Steve Moore: “Just make sure you sit out the first period of our next game against the Maple Leafs.”

The Ligues (Scumbags White Sox fans who attacked Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa): “How do you guys look in pads in a helmet? Believe me, from the look of your heavily tattooed and possibly meth-addled bodies, Florida is the right state for you.”

LeGarrette Blount: Suspended for one play.

Urban clearly missed class on this day:

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  1. 14 Responses to “Urban Meyer, Disciplinarian”

  2. The Al Capone reference was brilliant.

    By MJenks on Nov 5, 2009

  3. Yeah, I have to say I love this post.

    By Phillips on Nov 5, 2009

  4. yes. loved the jcc bit.

    By roundthewaygirl on Nov 5, 2009

  5. there is NO BATHROOM!

    By roundthewaygirl on Nov 5, 2009

  6. The Ligues were Cubs fans who were at the Cubs game earlier that day and showed up to The Cell wasted. Read the police report.

    By Frank Farro on Nov 6, 2009

  7. Was it Pope Urban who named his first saint, Saint Tebow?

    By cookiebaker on Nov 6, 2009

  8. Always the haters….!

    By Anonymous on Nov 7, 2009

  9. Man this has gotten out of hand, regardless of what Golic and others say this “eye gouge” happens a lot and I’ve yet to find a single record of blindness or severe eye injury. The play was dirty and I think it deserves a single game penalty, but the truth is Urban likes Spikes cause he gave up second round money to come back so he’s doesn’t want to punish him to severely. ESPN should run a joke on how much USC players should be paid…well if they had real balls.

    By John Shanks on Nov 8, 2009

  10. Maybe Maurice Clarett jokes at the expense of the sweater vest?

    By John Shanks on Nov 8, 2009

  11. Sadly, this falls short.

    By Al Landon on Nov 8, 2009

  12. Certainly we left the door open for people to add their own suggestions, including delusional White Sox fans. So yes, it probably does fall short. Yet it still doesn’t fall as short as your 1936 presidential campaign, Landon! (What, no one understands Great Depression political humor?)

    By Hick Flick on Nov 9, 2009

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