TheBaker’s Dozen: Out Of Retirement

October 11, 2009 – 8:15 pm by TheBaker

murdershewrote1. Mike Tyson on “Oprah” Monday. Finally, my mom, sister and I will watch the same show for the first time since “Murder, She Wrote.” What can I say? We were suckers for Angela Lansbury and her hour-long capers.

2. Apparently broken ribs are good for your QB rating. Matt Hasselbeck and Donovan McNabb both looked great in their returns from injury Sunday.

3. During NBC player introductions players are asked to state their name and what school they attended. Some guys have taken liberties repping their high school or pop warner teams. During player introductions for the Indianapolis-Tennessee game Sunday night, Titans safety Chris Hope introduced himself as, “Chris Hope, Florida State of the 90s.”

Hope attended FSU in 2000, 2001 and 2002. Narc. I know times are rough in Tallahassee, but talk about kicking an 80-year old man when he’s done.

4. Thank God “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is back. And a shout-out to a buddy of mine for appearing in last week’s episode. The guy who passes Jeff binoculars at the Lakers game so Larry can see NBC’s president sitting court-side with David Spade lived two-feet across the hall from me on my freshman floor at IU. Congrats Mike Mauloff.

5. There are far too many Viagara and Cialis commercials. It makes me wonder if this whole limp dick thing might be something I need to worry about later in life. Five “old man, little pill” commercials a quarter of an NFL game will do that. Seriously, is this something I should be concerned about?

My roommate: If I ever get a limp dick, my medicine is going to be a shotgun blast to the face.

6. My friends asked me to marry them, which I will happily do in two weeks. Reverend Baker. So I got certified online and got a credit card-sized credential to keep in my wallet to show I’m legit. One of our local watering holes continues to require two forms of ID. So they get my driver’s license and my Reverend Baker card from the Universal Life Church. It’s better than my James Bond License to Kill I used to employ as a second form in college.

7. I’m not going to lie. I had more interest in the WNBA Finals than the MLB playoffs. Maybe it’s because I live in Indianapolis, but call me when it’s a CS and not a DS.

8. A buddy and I traded the vastly underperforming Donnie Avery for Eddie Royal straight up two weeks ago. It’s only fitting that both finally flashed fantasy relevance Sunday.

Avery had 109 yards in four weeks.
Royal had 90 yards in four weeks.

Week Five, Royal finally had the game the fantasy experts predicted he’d have week in, week out. Royal had 10 catches for 90 yards against the Patriots in the Broncos’ big win. Avery had five catches for 87 yards and scored on a 27-yard touchdown in garbage time.landon_donovan_1499585c

On a side note: I didn’t play Avery this week because I had a hunch (one really wrong hunch) about Sam Hurd blowing up with Roy Williams out. And it’s probably going to cost me my matchup. (I need a Jets defense miracle Monday night. I did get 39 points from my San Fran D last week. So I dare to dream). But back to Hurd, I mean Tony Romo was looking his way with the game on the line last week. Figured against the Chiefs it was worth a shot. Plus, Avery had a hamstring issue all week. And I’ve already mentioned Avery’s prior ineptitude. So I went with Hurd. Who knew Miles Austin would go for 250 yards? If only Tony treated his receivers like pop stars Hurd might have had more than one catch for 10 yards. Ugh.

9. The United States won the President’s Cup because Tiger Woods went 5-0 in his matches. Woods was subsequently nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

10. Right after the USA defeated Honduras 3-2 Saturday night to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, American star Landon Donovan sent me this e-mail from the team bus.


On the team bus leaving Estadio Olimpico in Honduras, I want to send a quick e-mail to our fans and thank you for all your support.

We’ve achieved our goal to qualify for the 2010 World Cup and are on our way to South Africa!

Let’s keep working together and maintain the momentum to bring the World Cup to our country.

Forward this e-mail to all your friends and tell them to sign our petition at



Here’s the e-mail I sent back:

“Landy Cakes,

Sweet goal. When did Honduras host the Olympics?

Now get home safely. Try not to get jacked at gunpoint like Sports Illustrated’s Grant Wahl.

–The Real Cakes”

11. My alma mater Indiana lost 47-7 to a one-win Virginia team Saturday. You know that optimism we sort of had after losing a thriller in Ann Arbor? Yeah, that’s gone. Back to my “Lynch Lynch” campaign.

12. I don’t know who Jon and Kate are.

13. Now maybe living in Indianapolis has clouded my objectivity, but is it just me or does Tom Brady live off screen passes and six-yard patterns? How can a guy dink and dunk his way to being considered the greatest of all-time? People who argue Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL (even pre-injury) are misguided. He’s good, and at times very good. But he’s the definition of system quarterback.

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  1. 4 Responses to “TheBaker’s Dozen: Out Of Retirement”

  2. My friend from high school, who went to the IU of the 90s (93, 94, 95, 96), said that if he ever got the limp dick disease, he’d make his bitch stand on her head and he’d dip it in.

    By Matt J. on Oct 11, 2009

  3. I wonder which MAC coach we’re gonna get to replace Lynch. I say anyone but Frank Solich. If I had to vote, though, I say we take a long look at Gus Malzahn, even though he doesn’t work in the MAC, and is, by definition, not on IU’s radar.

    By McD on Oct 12, 2009

  4. Curb is so hilarious this season. That road head episode…classic.

    By Red on Oct 13, 2009

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