Zack and AP Make A Porno

Now that the drama that was the Bulls and Celtics has left us, most people are left wondering what to watch. Let’s face the facts, there isn’t another playoff series that will match that drama until the David Stern-mandated Kobe vs. LeBron Finals are upon us.

Personally, I’d go with the Stanley Cup playoffs. Three of the four second-round series are tied at one game apiece, and the other features the two best players in the game, both of whom recorded a hat trick in Game 2 of their series. But this is America, and I understand that you might not be into that kind of thing.

That brings us to baseball. And there is no better show in baseball right now than Royals pitcher Zack Greinke. With a 6-0 record and 0.40 ERA, he’s poised to have one of those seasons a la The Bird in ’76, Fernando Valenzuela in ’81 or Hideo Nomo in ’95. Watching Greinke pitch is almost as good as watching a porno… or maybe it’s exactly the same.

I would like to share with you the following phrases that appeared in the Associated Press game story of Greinke’s peformance against the White Sox on Monday night.

The boyish-looking 25-year-old had the White Sox guessing all night, working inside and out, up and down, slow and fast. Greinke (6-0) allowed only a handful of hard-hit balls, worked through a small jam in the eighth inning and used the energy from the raucous crowd to finish…

As a sportswriter, I understand that long bouts of not getting any are an integral part of the job. But I try not to let it seep into my work, outside of the paragraph that I just typed.

But seriously, a boyish-looking 25-year-old who works inside and out, up and down, slow and fast… well, baseball isn’t the first thing that pops into my head. And it wasn’t just my mind either. As a female acquaintance of mine noted, “the image of a pitcher splooging on the mound with a huge crowd cheering him came to mind…”

I’m not sure if this means this particular writer has a secret man-on-man desire for Greinke, or just hasn’t been laid in a long time. Or if I’m just projecting. But I can’t be the only one who reads that paragraph in that manner, right?