8pm ET: Pacquiao! Hatton! We’re live from the Rumors and Rants luxury suite live blogging everything related to this huge title fight. The pre-game icing and stretching is done, we’re through the layup lines and we’re on the bench wating for the starting lineups to be announced. Phillips and I will be with you all the way through the entire Pacquiao/Hatton undercard and the main event itself, plus a little bit of Game 7 between the Bulls and Celtics. Yeah, we don’t give a fuck about the Kentucky Derby. Didn’t last year. Didn’t the year before that. It may be because we hate all things Kentucky on this site, or because horse racing is a giant farce. I don’t know. I’m rambling. Wow, this live blog is off to a great start. So if you want to read more like this paragraph, stick around all night!
We’re currently alternating between Bulls pregame and True Life: I’m unhappy with my new body. True Life is winning at the moment.
Mayweather/Marquez is going to be a lot like Hatton/Mayweather. Marquez is a guy Money May can’t run from, but at the same time, it sure as hell doesn’t look like Marquez can handle Mayweather’s speed. If he still has it, that is. I’m fucking fired up for that live blog, but we’ve gotta concentrate on tonight.
Yes, we really did just do a LeBron-style chalk toss in the Rumors and Rants luxury suite before we published. We’re weird.
Check that. We’re focused.
Just switched to TNT in time for the Bulls/Celts tip. Wouldn’t it fucking suck if this game were a 30-point blowout? Yes, that was an attempt to ruin this for everyone.
I don’t know who the winners of this series will get, but they’re gonna get their asses kicked.
8:10 – Derrick Rose is gonna be a key to this game, eh? Good call, color guy.
8:11 – Thank God the Padres are starting to slump. Actually, they’re showing their true colors and even DePo is having a hard time sounding excited about this roster. Still, it was getting hard as hell for me to continue my boycott when they’re winning. What? I’m not a front-runner. They fucking dumped Hoffman for no reason!
8:13 – Speaking of shit teams, Newcastle has four do-or-die games left in their season to avoid relegation, only Sunday they’re playing at Liverpool. So yeah, they’re fucked. Shout out to our good friend Eric, who is a smug Man United fan, by the way. Holy shit the Mags could use a point tomorrow, is my overall point, I think. That said, I’d say 4-1 to the home team is much more likely.
8:16 – If I could travel back in time to Game 1 of this series, I still wouldn’t watch a game of it. NBA basketball is still the exact opposite of playoff hockey. It’s 95% boring with ten great plays mixed in, and I don’t feel like sitting around and waiting for the good plays. Even if they happen in triple OT.
8:18 – Brian Scalabrine is a regular player in the NBA and he looks like every stereotypical “that guy” at the gym playing pickup games. He’s about as talented too.
Okay, I’m done doing my Sports Guy impression.
8:22 – Brian Scalabrine and Brad Miller just took (and missed) threes during possessions for their teams in the last thirty seconds. Bet that doesn’t happen again.
I’m not counting that Derrick Rose block as a good play since it happened in the first quarter and everyone knows no one tries in the first quarter of NBA games.
8:24 – Food question of the night: do Phillips and I order pizza or get some other kind of delivery? Jimmy Johns sounds kind of excellent right now. Gotta admit. No, this isn’t a paid advertisement. That would be sweet if it was, though, right? You hear that, Jimmy Johns? We’re corporate whores!
8:26 – Here’s a shocker: Gordon and Rose are scoring most of the Bulls’ points while the rest of the supporting cast sucks. Amazing. It’s like the best players somehow manage to score most of the points! Statistical analysis of basketball truly has arrived!
8:28 – I’m updating every two minutes currently. There’s no way I keep this up.
8:29 – I have no idea how this came up, but thinking back to 2004, I remember hearing Mike and Mike in the Morning play the “it’s alive” scene from Young Frankenstein during the Sox/Yanks ALCS that year. Every day after the Sox won game 4 and after, they’d play it. The thing is, I can’t remember why the fuck I was up that early. I was still in college and definitely did not have a day job. So what the fuck was I doing up that early in the morning? This is freaking me out, you guys.
8:32 – Phillips just ordered the PPV. You hear that flushing sound? I did.
Who is East and who is West in this fight, exactly? Is it in relation to the US or the international date line or what?
8:34 – Because technically, the Phillippines is west of the US and England is east. Huh.
8:36 – Probably in the minority here, but the pre-fight programming on the PPV channel is much more interesting at the moment than Bulls/Celts.
Pacquiao is officially the Thrilla from Manila.
8:38 – Roy in Ipswich just called in and reminded us Pacquiao is, in fact, from General Santos City, and not Manila.
8:40 – Manny Pacquiao is a storm!
8:41 – Who the fuck wears a suit to play darts against Ricky Hatton? Manny Pacquiao, that’s who. Jesus, they really will do anything to promote a fight, won’t they? Hatton uses the heavier darts, eh?
8:44 – Pacquiao may suck at darts, but he’s gonna win the fight going away. I love Ricky Hatton, but Pac-Man is superior at every part of boxing to Hatton.
8:48 – Floyd Mayweather Sr. really shouldn’t be speaking for himself anymore. Between he and Freddy Roach, it’s an advertisement to kids telling them not to become fighters.
8:52 – Finally back to basketball. By the way, did some one get any kind of revenge on Rondo for his ridiculous foul on Brad Miller?
8:55 – Oscar de la Hoya would have a German guy in charge of his promotions company. Just saying.
8:59- One minute until the PPV card starts for real and we really put some effort into ignoring game 7 of a first round series.
9:00 – Holy crap this girl on True Life lost all her hair! That (obviously) sucks!
9:02 – Wow a dude who started losing his hair at 18. 18! This live blog has now been completely side-tracked
9:04 – Phillips with the big save to get us away from another ep of True Life. That shit is engrossing. Hey…the first fight is on. See you under the headline below this entry.
Erislandy Lara vs. Chris Gray (Junior Middleweight – 4 Rounds)
Apparently, Lara had to defect from Cuba twice because (I guess) he fucked it up the first time. Or something.
This Gray guy has to be the fattest 160 lbs I’ve ever seen. This is clearly a showcase fight for Lara. I just hope no one dies.
Phillips: This is gonna hurt.
9:08 – We’re already sick of Larry Merchant and it’s still just the first round. Lamps just called Gray’s body “ultra-padded.”
9:09 – How is Max Kellerman still on the B-team for HBO’s fights? I don’t think a four-man booth would be out of the question given how much Kellerman brings to the table in boxing. The guy sucks at a lot of sports-related stuff, but he’s good at the boxing.
9:12 – I’m not gonna pretend that “some of my best friends are Cuban” or anything, but why do Cubans have crazy names? There’s another guy named like Yuriorkis Gamboa to go with Erislandy Lara. The fuck’s that all about?
9:15 – Wait, did something happen in the fight? Lara needs to impress more than he has. This four-rounder needs a KO, stat.
9:18 – Gray has landed eight punches through three rounds. Yeah, he’s getting his ass kicked, but in a more amateur, point-collecting way by Lara. HBO is showing some sweet punch location graphics at the moment too.
9:22- And that’s the fight! It’s going to a decision, but Lara kicked Gray’s ass pretty officially. Gotta say, Lara looked really good against that hobo.
9:23 – Well, I’m dry heaving a lot and…(listen and enjoy)
9:25 – Gray landed 11 total punches. Yeah. Apparently, Jacobs/Walker has been switched to eight rounds because Jacobs is a late sub for James Kirkland, who was arrested on weapons charges and was therefore nixed from the card.
Unanimous decision for Lara
Matvey Korobov vs. Anthony Bartinelli (Middleweight – 4 Rounds)
9:28 – We got some white guys! What is that like the cool thing to do in the Middleweight division now? Apparently, Korobov fought in the Beijing Games last year. So there’s that.
9:29 – Of course Korobov is fighting out of the red corner. And I’d bet $5 Bartinelli isn’t orginally from Arizona. I bet his dad owns a pizzeria in Weehawken, NJ.
9:31 – Phillips and I have been talking like Silvio Dante for the last five minutes.
Bartinelli is gonna get KO’d. He’s totally outmatched. Sorry, Phillips, another blow to your people.
9:33 – Bartinelli just took like four flush power shots from Korobov, who is kind of a monster for this weight class. No way he stays here his whole career. Bartinelli has thrown one punch and had his mouth piece knocked into press row (not exaggerating).
9:34 – I mean that thing went fucking flying. Bartinelli didn’t go down, though. Gotta give him that. Don’t die, kid.
9:35 – I wonder if tomato cans like Bartinelli and Jacobs in the next fight get extra money if they last longer…and down goes Bartinelli. Dude knows he’s done, but he’s gotta have a financial incentive, right?
9:36 – At least Bartinelli is technically proficient, so he’s not just some idiot, but Korobov is completely fustigating and outclassing him…AND THERE’S A MERCY STOPPAGE BY THE REFEREE.
TKO for Matvey Korobov
9:38 – Emmanuel Steward is right. Bartinelli was doing everything right, he just isn’t a very good fighter. He should go back to being an ASU fraternity guy, or wherever they found him. You can probably find him at his next fight inside some country/western bar.
9:39 – That’s two wins by southpaws tonight. Seeing a trend, anyone? Bartinelli landed one power punch in the entire fight. Korobov landed 79% of his power punches. All to the head, according to the graphics.
9:42 – Looks like an 11 point lead for the Celts at the moment. Not that we care all that much at the moment.
9:42 – That Kirkland guy who got arrested is apparently trained by a very respected women’s fighter…who is very intimidating herself. I’d let her train me because I’m afraid to say no. Apparently, Kirkland violated his probation by having the gun. He was on probation for “a charge related to armed robbery.” Was it, in fact, armed robbery, Lamps?
Daniel Jacobs vs. Mike Walker (Middleweight – 8 Rounds)
9:46 – Jesus, Walker is 5’7″? Kinda small for the middleweight division, no? What the hell is going on here? This was supposed to be something of a showcase for Kirkland, but he fucked up, so we may have two tomato cans in there.
9:48 – I have an official reach of 24″ and Phillips is 27″.
9:49 – Jacobs is 15-0 with 14 KO’s. Maybe he doesn’t suck after all.
9:50 – Jacobs fought a week ago in a one-punch, third round KO. 16th professional fight in 18 months as a pro. That’s a lot of fights. Kind of an old-school Mike Tyson career arc.
9:53 – Jacobs unloaded a shit-ton of punches at the end of the round. And WOW was that a violent KO in his last fight. He needed a fast KO because he wouldn’t have been eligible to fight tonight had his fight gone the distance, but his trainers didn’t tell him so as not to mess with his head. Walker is clearly the best ham sandwich of the three chumps being fed to prospects tonight.
9:56 – Walker has only landed around 8 punches this round, but he’s not getting his ass kicked nearly as badly as the other guys.
Hey, pizza’s here. Back in a few.
10:17 – Aaaaand we’re back! And the Walker/Jacobs fight is still going on. Jacobs gave up on trying to get the KO and is just hoping for a decision now. Walker has been tough, but not technically proficient or particularly effective.
10:22 – It’s gonna be a unanimous decision for Jacobs. He won all the rounds in a rough fight against a fearless veteran. It was a tough adjustment for the kid, but he handled it well and won the fight. Just not in an exciting manner.
Unanimous decision for Daniel Jacobs
10:24 – The fight was even kind of a blowout since Walker hardly landed any punches. May have been a better matchup with that Kirkland kid who got arrested. Oh well. Thank God that’s over.
10:25 – Rondo just narrowly avoided injury in the Celtics/Bulls game as Boston has a slight lead in the middle of the fourth. Whatever.
10:27 – Hey, there’s Jack Nicholson. And Oscar de la Hoya wearing a Ricky Hatton mask. Possibly because he’s promoting Hatton. Call me crazy. The Hatton fans in the arena LOVED it, though. Big roar from the crowd when Oscar showed up on the jumbotron.
(C) Humberto Soto vs. Benoit Gaudet (WBC Super-Featherweight Title Fight – 12 Rounds)
10:29 – Soto is coming out to banda music, and I love any fighter that comes out to banda music. I would come out to banda music were I a prize fighter. Even in the UFC. Luckily for everyone, I think, I’m not. But damn that shit is cool when a fighter is coming out.
10:30 – Michael Buffer just swore with his mic on, though not in full voice. Gaudet looks like some one kidnapped an MMA fighter replete with bad tats and put some boxing gloves on.
10:32 – THERE’S ONLY OOOOONNNNNNEEE RICKY HATTON
SINGING A SONG
WALKING IN A HATTON WONDERLAND
10:33 – Soto just knocked Gaudet down 32 seconds into the fight on a reaching shot. And if you haven’t guessed, the Hatton fans and their band have shown up in the arena.
Calling Gaudet “willowy” is kind. At least he hasn’t been hit hard (again) in the round.
10:35 – Gaudet’s corner is now speaking French. We are officially rooting for Soto.Terrible camerawork on the knockdown’s replay.
10:36 – Soto was hoping to get Pacquiao to fight him because he beat Manny’s younger brother. Yeah, Manny doesn’t care, dude. Nice try.
10:40 – Gaudet’s punches “hope to keep Soto occupied” while Soto’s “make a dent” according to Lamps. That about sums up the fight. What happened to the singing Hatton fans?
Seriously, did Soto really think he could get to Michael Corleone by beating up Fredo? Frank Stallone and Andre Emilianenko think that’s funny.
10:42 – Soto is practically chasing Gaudet around the ring because he knows Frenchie can’t hurt him even though he’s landing some clean punches. This is probably why Soto is going to be slurring his words when he retires.
10:45 – I keep forgetting this is a title fight, seeing as how there’s only one guy who can win. Soto just got punched clean in the face with what seemed to be a hard right, but it didn’t phase him. Soto just keeps coming and no real damage seems to be done by Gaudet at any point. And where are the Pacquiao fans in the arena? The Hatton fans are the overwhelming vocal majority.
10:48 – There is, indeed, only one Ricky Hatton, apparently.
10:49 – Gaudet won that last round, according to Harold Lederman. He’s being “elusive,” which means Soto is sucking more than Gaudet is winning. He’s lost all his confidence and he’s backing up plus there’s swelling under his eye. We could have ourselves an upset by a white guy over a dude from a former Spanish colony here. Probably not, though.
10:51 – It’s fantastic that the Klitschko brothers fight on regular HBO instead of on PPV. Or maybe it’s because no one gives a shit about the heavyweight division and there’s no one worth paying $50 to watch them fight anymore. Chris Arreola needs to get better in a damn hurry.
10:53 – Roy in Ipswich called in again to say it was a knockdown at 10:35, not a KO as was originally typed.
10:55 – Even though the Celtics are winning, people need to stop Tweeting and Facebooking their reactions to every play in the game. One more reason Twitter is really fucking annoying.
10:57 – Gaudet would have knocked Soto out five times over if he had any strength at all. Soto is really sucking in his title defense. Quit backing up, jerky. You came out to banda music. No fucking pussy can come out to banda music.
10:58 – And Soto just took a low blow. That’s one Gaudet punch that did some damage. Sucks getting hit in the twig and berries, though.
Now there’s a crazy exchange between the fighters, but no real damage done. Gaudent would be a hell of a lot of fun to watch if he hit harder. The fuck is up with Soto?
11:01 – Now into our third hour of live-blogging and we haven’t even reached the main event yet. Eighth round now and Soto is still getting beaten to the punch and for some reason is hunting for the KO instead of doing his usual gameplan, which is to attack the body…and just as I say that, he rocks Gaudet with a left to his face.
11:03 – Gaudet isn’t going to win, but Soto looks like crap, so pretty much no one is getting what they want. There have been a couple of violent, quick exchanges, but Gaudet just can’t hurt Soto.
11:06 – And that’s it for Bulls/Celtics with Boston winning by a score of aw, who gives a shit? It’s a first round series! It took two fucking weeks to play seven games!
And down goes Gaudet on an uppercut! About a min left in the 9th round.
11:07 – Soto lands a few more hard punches and Gaudet goes down again! This bitch is over.
TKO in the 9th round for Humberto Soto
11:09 – Gaudet put up a good fight, but he was basically outgunned. Seems to be a theme tonight for the Hatton-style fighters. Ben Gordon was 4-12 from three and was 15-15 from the line in the Bulls’ loss tonight. Nice game?
11:11 – Nice pre-fight montage of the two fighters with some Friday Night Lights-style music and voice-overs.
11:14 – Phillips is in full “Yay, Manny!” mode. Jack, Denzel, Jeremy Piven, Mariah Carey and her unnamed husband (Nick Cannon), Jay-Z and Diddy are all at the fight tonight.
Man 4 of the best fighters in the world: Hatton, Pacquiao, Mayweather, and Marquez are all right around 140 lbs, but none of them is a major champion because boxing is so fucked up.
11:18 – The problem with Emanuel Steward is that he’s seen so many title fights and big occasions that stuff like tonight doesn’t phase him. He doesn’t convey any excitement about anything that happens, even like a huge KO or something. Hatton fans just broke into Rue Brittania right before the Philippines’ national anthem.
Ricky Hatton (c) vs. Manny Pacquiao (IBO and Ring Magazine Junior Welterweight Championships – 12 Rounds)
11:21 – Wow, Tom Jones does not look good with gray hair. God Save the Queen was pretty damn loud though. Jones looks like the bad guy from The Last Starfighter.
11:23 – Man, Disney gets all the hot, young poon. The girl that sang the American national anthem is 15.
11:24 – Phillips: Man, I’m so excited for this fight. I think I’m getting an erection.
11:25 – Hatton is coming out first even though he’s technically the titleholder. That’s a lot of respect for Pacquiao. The Brits in the house are about to go apeshit.
Phillips: I’d come out to the very beginning of “Circle of Life” from the Lion King. That or “Back in Black”.
The only way Hatton’s song could be cooler is if he sang it himself. It’s some song about how he’s “Ricky Fatton.” Everyone was expecting the Man City-themed “Blue Moon” but it’s not to be.
11:29 – The Hattonites weren’t all that loud and Pacquiao might get a bigger reaction. Lamps thinks the fans were thrown off.
Hey, that’s fucking former WWE champ Batista in Pacquiao’s entourage heading to the ring. Nice.
Pacquiao also has Michael Moorer as part of his ring crew with Freddie Roach. Too bad this isn’t a three-man tag match.
11:32 – Michael Buffer is gonna do his thing and then it’s on! You can see Phillips’ and my running scores after each round concludes. Who’s the fat kid behind Ricky Hatton? His ring crew looks like a street gang.
11:34 – I would do anything not to have seats near Ricky Hatton’s band.
Round 1: A bit of feeling out at the beginning, especially by Manny. Hatton is doing more pressing early in the round. The ref is letting them work out of the clinches. Tons of action early. Both fighters are ready to throw and the crowd is reacting loudly to every thrown punch. Hatton is tying Manny up a lot and Hatton’s face is already red though he’s landed some solid rights. Manny hit Hatton HARD with two punches and DOWN GOES HATTON two min and ten seconds in. Holy shit. Crowd is extremely loud. Hatton is in more trouble getting more punches. Pacquiao is unbelievably fast. Hatton can’t see them coming. Hatton could go down again. AND HE DOES! Absolutely stunning beginning and the round is over.
McD: 10-7 Pacquiao
Phillips: 10-7 Pacquiao
Round 2: Hatton looks stunned in his corner but comes out chasing again in round two. The first knockdown was truly amazing. Couple hard ones by Hatton though Manny is able to answer. Every Hatton shot is met with a Pacquiao counter that does just as much damage. Hatton has to move his head unless he wants this to be a three round fight. More hard lefts and rights by Manny. Just incredible. Hatton can’t catch him consistently. Hatton needs to get rough and dirty if he’s gonna have a chance. Nothing illegal, but he has to slow things down. Left JUST misses from Manny. Good answer by Hatton but he can’t sustain because Manny is much too fast. More trouble for Hatton. It’s amazing how smart Manny has become over his career. HOLY JESUS GOD A HUGE LEFT BY PACQUIAO AND THE FIGHT IS OVER.
Hatton was out cold! One of the most amazing KO’s I’ve ever seen. Hatton might have a broken jaw. He’s barely moved since he went down. Hatton is barely conscious as they’re putting a towel or something under his head and laying him on his side. We’re a little freaked out for Hatton’s health, he got hit so hard. Fucking A. Lights fucking out on that left by Pacquiao. Hatton was out immediately and even the back of his neck jumped out because the shock to his jaw was so hard.
Official Result: KO at 2:59 of the second round for Manny Pacquiao.
11:47 – We just realized we live blogged for three and a half hours and the fight lasted about six minutes.
Hatton is up and moving now, and he seems okay. Turns out Freddy Roach was right when he said the fight would be done in three rounds or under. Pacquiao landed 57% of his punches over the 1+ rounds, which basically means Hatton was easy to hit the entire time.
This is a truly dominating, legend-making performance by Manny Pacquiao. Hatton was in trouble, but he thought he could stay in the fight right until the end when he got KTFO. And I mean KTMFO.
11:51 – Manny’s gotta fight Floyd Mayweather now, as long as Marquez doesn’t fuck things up. And THAT would be the biggest fight of all time. I love me some Money May, but I’m not sure I’d be rooting for him in that fight. Pacquiao is now unequivocally a hall of fame champion, not just a great fighter.
Freddy Roach has also managed to solidify himself as the best trainer in the biz too. He had Hatton gameplanned to perfection.
Holy fuck do I want to see Mayweather/Pacquiao. I’d live blog that for ten straight hours if I had to.
11:54 – Shit, I’d go 24 hours if I had to.
Text from The Baker: The back of Hatton’s head exploded.
11:59 – Ricky Hatton isn’t gonna give an interview because he’s still too fucked up, and he’s gonna go get dressed and head to the hospital. Fucking crazy night.
And we’re done! Four hours and a brutal KO later, we’re all better for the experience. I can’t stress enough how amazing Manny Pacquiao is, how mediocre the pizza was, and how fucking much I want to see Mayweather/Pacquiao. My God would that be an amazing fight.
Larry Merchant didn’t have much of a chance to suck the life out of this fight since it was so short and brutal. I don’t know if either fighter could have withstood 12 rounds at the pace that was set at the beginning. Hatton is great and he’s got his legion of adoring fans, but Manny Pacquiao is the greatest fighter in the entire world until proven otherwise. Please Baby Jesus, let him and Mayweather get together in like November or December. And with that, we’re out.
Good fight. Good night.