This Is No Joke

April 1, 2009 – 5:21 pm by Hickey

It’s April Fools Day, and few people enjoy playing a good prank better than myself. Just ask my buddy Detroit Vince.

In high school, all Vince wanted to do was get invited to a “real party.” Apparently, our parties of watching B-movies and playing video games did not constitute as real. Anyway, a large group of my friends convinced Vince that there was a kegger going down at this dude on the football team’s house. (One of us even posed as said football player over the phone.)

Anyway, the moral of the story is Vince was dropped off at the house of the supposed party with a case of beer. Only we sent him to the house of the girl he had a crush on. I still can’t quite fathom what the awkwardness level must have been when her dad answered the door.

You could also ask my buddy Shady Ethan. In college, he was the victim of a similar prank. I fooled him into thinking that I was a girl from Chi Omega over the internet, and then had my buddy’s special lady friend call him to seal the deal. He showed up to have a glass of hot chocolate on the swing in front of the Chi-O house that was completely fictitious.

And then there are the scores of bars that I have Rick Rolled on the jukebox.

Point is, I’m not above making shit up or doing something ridiculous for a laugh. With all of that in mind, please realize that what I am about to tell you is actually true.

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, one of the people targeted by disgraced former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (because you can’t be a former Illinois Gov. without having “disgraced” tacked on) in his latest (pre-arrest) fundraising effort was none other than… Bernie Kosar.

That’s right. Former Cleveland Brown great Bernie Kosar, who is perhaps the most beloved quarterback in the history of this blog, with the possible exception being TheBaker’s affinity for Erik Kramer.

To our knowledge, Bernie has never lived in the state of Illinois. Maybe Blago was promising Bernie he could line up behind center for the Bears if he just added a little bit to the coffers. Perhaps he was looking for the phone number of Kosar’s hair stylist. Or maybe he was seeing if he could raise enough money to appoint Bernie J. Kosar, Jr. the United State Senator from the state of Illinois. After all, the GOP had Alan Keyes buy some piece of shit house in Calumet City in 2004 so he could say that he was an Illinois resident in his farcical Senate race against Barack Obama. Certainly Blago wouldn’t be above a similar line of shenanigans.

Of course, we’re not suggesting that Bernie would stoop to such a level. Because he wouldn’t. He’s Bernie Kosar. That’s like a sidearmed QB synonym for Chuck Norris. (Only even better, because to our knowledge Bernie has not recommended seceding from the Union.)

But when you’re dealing with anyone as delusional as Blago, you never know what kind of hare-brained scheme is going on inside that wonderfully coiffed head. The dude compared himself to Gandhi, for Gandhi’s sake.

It would be nice to know, though, exactly why Blago thought he was going to get Bernie’s money. (I’m guessing Kosar would probably like to know the same thing.)

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  1. 4 Responses to “This Is No Joke”

  2. Dude: You been paying attention to any of Bernie’s public appearances over at least, say, the last decade, including his appearances in the press box in local telecasts of Browns preseason games? If you did you might have some idea of why Blago thought he could get Bernie’s money, which is that it’s rather apparent that Bernie spends most of his waking hours steaming pissy drunk. Just a thought.

    By Cleveland Frowns on Apr 2, 2009

  3. Dude if you had a brain you would be dangerous. There are numerous people in this world with slight speech impediments. All it takes is a little bit of a dental problem and we would all sound like that. I think “pissy drunk” was the state you were in when you wrote that blog. Or are you one of those Brainless Non Acheiving “Walter Mitty’s” who are so jealous because this man has achieved what you can only dream about. Get a life of your own You are an obvious loser.

    By BILL FRANK on Jun 19, 2009

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