I Want to Take A Dump on Beantown

April 14, 2009 – 5:28 am by Hickey

The way I always saw it, if there was one town that seemed like a particularly good fit for me if I had to abandon my home, it would be Boston. It has lots of history, a good proportion of young people and an even better proportion of Irish people, not to mention plenty of baked beans. Plus, the greatest sitcom of all time is set there. (I’m referring to “Cheers”, not “Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place.”)

Despite these many endearing qualities, it is time to wake up and realize that the Boston of today is no longer the sweet, lovable Beantown of the ’80s, ’90s and early ’00s. In every sport, it seems that the Boston machine can no longer be stopped. If you cut off one head — or injure Tom Brady’s knee — another is bound to sprout up. Even the most widely read sports guy on the internet has an unabashed Boston slant. (I don’t have the exact numbers, but I’m assuming Bill Simmons is more read than us. But probably only by a few million small handful.)

Unfortunately, I’ve been left with no other choice but to say this about Boston’s sports teams: Fuck ‘em. They’ve become every bit as dirty to root for as teams from New York City. And it was the strangest thing that finally pushed me over the edge.

This weekend, several dozen of you may have watched the NCAA hockey championship game. I’m pretty sure we’re the only blog on earth to now have multiple posts on its existence. But no matter. Point is it was one of the most incredible finishes to any championship game in any sport at any level. Ever. Period. And of course it was a Boston team that pulled it out.

Trailing 3-1 heading into the final minute against upstart Miami (Ohio), which was looking for its first championship in any sport, Boston University miraculously managed to score two goals in the final minute to send the game into overtime — all while their net sat empty at the other end of the ice so they could have an extra attacker.

Again, not once, but twice. The odds of this happening are right up there with coming back from a 3-0 deficit in a best-of-7 series or throwing a Hail Mary pass into heavy traffic.

Wait, Boston teams have already done that? (Ironically the Hail Mary was between the other major Boston school, Boston College, and the other Miami — the one that’s actually in Miami

Associated Press photo of happy Terriers

Associated Press photo of happy Terriers

Of course, with the momentum already built up from the comeback, it goes without saying that BU won in overtime. But not in the immediate manner you’d think. Miami buckled down for the first 12 minutes of OT before giving up one of the flukiest goals you’ll ever see — the puck deflected off the leg of a defenseman trying to block the shot near the faceoff circle and over the shoulder of the Miami goalie, who never saw it coming.

Coming from a completely neutral perspective, you couldn’t help but feel the heartbreak of the Miami kids. To see an underdog lose a championship to a five-time winner on a one-in-a thousand play… well, it turns you decidedly un-neutral.

There was a day where I enjoyed pulling for Boston teams as a neutral observer. The Patriots’ first Super Bowl title was a thing of splendor. And who outside of New York didn’t delight in watching the Yankees choke away that series in ’04? One of the top 10 sports moments of all time. (I’m still working on the other nine.)

Those days are long gone, though. Everyone in that city damn well wins at everything. (Last year’s Frozen Four champ? Boston College.)

Even the previously hopeless Bruins enter the playoffs as the top seed in the Eastern Conference. Fortunately, they’ll have to go through the one franchise that’s owned them throughout history, the Canadiens, to get out of the first round.

The way the bounces have gone the past few years, one can only logically assume that the Bruins will finally exorcise those demons though. In this decade, the B’s are the only franchise in the Hub City not to get a ring. Is it a bit petty of me to hope that they don’t?

Yes.

If Bostonians read this, they will certainly discern that I am retahded and just jealous that I’m not them. They are probably right. I’m jealous in the same way that we’re all jealous when a goofy-looking dude ends up with a supermodel… kind of like Bostonian Ric Ocasek. I’d vouch that all of us here at Rumors and Rants are slightly less goofy-looking than The Cars frontman (I’m really going to bat for you here Baker), and nonetheless we’re still supermodeless. And our teams are largely titleless. Outside of starting up a new wave band or moving to Boston, I’m not sure if it’s possible to attain either one these days.

All I’m saying is everyone deserves a sip every now and then (I’m really going to bat for you here St. Louis), but no oneĀ  — not even dudes who make awesome music videos — should be able to drink from the cup so damn often.

If Bostonians end up drinking from the Stanley Cup too, well, then it’s time to start working on the screenplay for the movie “The Monster that Shat On Boston.” If nothing bad is ever going to happen to Boston in reality, we can at least pretend.

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  1. 9 Responses to “I Want to Take A Dump on Beantown”

  2. While I agree with this whole column, I would like to politely ask that while you leave this dump on Boston, please try to avoid the area behind the two tall buildings on the left. There’s a shitty apartment building back there with huge Chinese letters that happens to house one of R&R’s most faithful readers. Also, it already looks shat upon.

    By Pablo on Apr 14, 2009

  3. I’m a Boston sports fan (and a BU alum who actually watched Saturday’s game) and I’m the first to admit we’ve had an incredible run the last few years. It will pass. All out teams will suck again someday, don’t worry.

    To your last point though, I was watching Cloverfield the other day, and I decided I really want to see a disaster movie in a city other than NY or LA. Can’t monsters attack Minneapolis? Or Dallas? If Boston has to be CGI sacrificed to make this happen, so be it.

    By Liz on Apr 14, 2009

  4. Hey “Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place” introduced us all to Ryan Reynolds. That has to count for something.

    By TheBaker on Apr 14, 2009

  5. I saw this headline and immediately assumed that you would go off on a rant that mentioned cheating, “classless” and dirty play in general which is pretty much the norm on most blogs. Bravo for being honest without being malicious. But let me tell you, 15 years ago my stepfather used to say that the worst form of abuse was raising your child as a Boston sports fan. It really was that bad. That Rams/Patriots Super Bowl really turned it all around. Reading this article (almost) made me sorry it had to be at your expense. And after the Red Sox won you had people visiting the graves of family members all over New England just to let them know that hell finally had frozen over. Again, at the expense of the city of St. Louis, I’m sorry. At least you got yours in 06′.

    By Waltahhhhhhhhhh on Apr 14, 2009

  6. Obviously, you are too young to truly remember what it was like to be a fan of Boston sports teams in the 1970s-1990s. We had a few good years with the Celtics and a few blips by the Sox, and 2 great years with the Bruins. That is it until the 2002 Super Bowl.

    It was damn hard to stay loyal as a fan when we fell short so many times.

    So excuse me if I don’t feel bad about our successes right now.

    Its kind of like I told a Raider fan I worked with around the time of the Tuck Rule Game. Hell, yeah, we know the Patriots were lucky…but that was how the rule was written. Viniteri still had to kick those 2 clutch field goals…it not like it was handed to the Pats.

    I then said…Don’t like? Then Score More Points.

    And finally the Bruins are good again…in spite of one of the worst owners in professional sports. Get over it.

    And as another great Bostonian, Denis Leary says,

    Life Sucks. Wear a Helmet.

    By John on Apr 14, 2009

  7. Oh goodness, I certainly didn’t want to give anyone the impression I’m from St. Louis. Gah. That was a throwaway line to indicate that even people in St. Louis are deserving of a title every once in awhile despite the fact that I hate all of their teams with tremendous vitriol.

    And yeah, I am too young to remember how wretched it may have been in the bad old days. But a Dennis Leary quote accentuates that it’s a point well taken.

    And no matter the location, we need a monster movie somewhere besides NY or LA.

    By Hick Flick on Apr 14, 2009

  8. Sorry for the mistake. Ignore the st. louis parts, though i guess you can take pleasure in the fact that their teams essentially ushered in this decade of boston dominance by being on the losing end of those championships numerous times.

    I won’t let it happen again. I promise.

    By Waltahhhhhhhhhh on Apr 14, 2009

  9. As for monster movie locations, my votes are, in no particular order…

    Pittsburgh
    Chicago
    Atlanta
    Kansas City
    Denver
    San Francisco
    Phoenix

    By John on Apr 15, 2009

  10. If memory serves, San Diego gets destroyed in one of the Jurassic Park movies. 3 maybe?

    By Red on Apr 15, 2009

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