Rise From Your Grave!

December 2, 2008 – 5:53 am by Hickey

Remember me?

That’s right, I’m Ken Motherfucking Dorsey. You might remember me from such teams as the 1999-2001 Miami Hurricanes. You know, the guy who went 38-2 as a starter for some of the greatest teams of all time. Back when playing for the U meant a damn. Beat that shit, Brock Berlin.

I was also a finalist for the Heisman Trophy. Twice. I got beat out by Eric Crouch in the closest Heisman race since 1985. The third candidate was Rex Grossman, so you can see why the race was so close. But I beat that son of a bitch Crouch for the national title.

Then, that rotten dirtball Maurice Clarett ruined the final game of my college career. I went out with a loss and got drafted in 7th round, even behind Indiana quarterback Gibran Hamdan. I played some games for the 49ers. I got hit a lot, so I don’t really remember what happened.

In fact, I forgot I still played football altogether. And then BAM! Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson get hurt in back-to-back weeks, and I’m like “Oh yeah, I’m on the Cleveland Browns.” I just rose from the grave, Altered Beast style, coming to a field near you on Sunday.

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  1. 10 Responses to “Rise From Your Grave!”

  2. Hey Dude. Yeah, this is a sports site, but watch your language! First letters and asterisks get the point across.

    By Hogtown on Dec 2, 2008

  3. Altered Beast! We used to play that shit all the time. I like how the guy starts out in a unitard, then his shirt rips, then he’s just wearing red-y tightie underwear before transforming into a wolf.

    Who the hell is that Hogtown douchebag telling you not to swear? Fuck him.

    By Cousin Charlie on Dec 2, 2008

  4. yeah fu** him! loud and profane damm**!

    By nancy on Dec 3, 2008

  5. I realize swearing isn’t in the prurient interests of society, but I figured people have heard these words before. And it’s funnier to think of Ken Dorsey using them.

    By Hickey on Dec 3, 2008

  6. It’s funny until you realize that you’re a Browns fan… Ugh.

    (good stuff, guys)

    By Scott @ WFNY on Dec 3, 2008

  7. Too bad Bruce Gradkowski is gonna snatch that shit from you and lead the Clowns to another depression filled defeat at the hands of being the worst expansion team ever! Mistake on the Lake Vol II

    By NickG on Dec 3, 2008

  8. Being a Browns fan isn’t really that bad, guys. I mean, yeah, we’ve never even appeared in a Super Bowl, let alone WON one. And our last AFC championship game was 1990. And most of our great memories from the last 30 years involve turnovers (Red Right 88, The Fumble) or John Elway (The Drive). And we’re on pace to go 4-12 this year. But hey, Ken Motherfu**in Dorsey! Fu** yeah!

    By Scott in Cleveland on Dec 3, 2008

  9. Oh yeah…I almost forgot if you Clevelanders didn’t already have your finger on the trigger of that glock you got in your mouth….have fun when LeBron leaves

    By NickG on Dec 3, 2008

  10. mr dorsy meet mr hayensworth

    By Ouch! on Dec 3, 2008

  11. To quote Lewis Black: “I realize I use the word ‘fuck,’ and I’d like to apologize, but I’m sorry, I don’t give a shit.”

    By McD on Dec 3, 2008

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