Tale Of The Tape: Eli vs. Elisha

February 5, 2008 – 2:32 am by Ryan Phillips


Now that he’s won a Super Bowl, Eli Manning is big time. And hey, no one rips the kid more than us, but congrats to him. Even if he did give San Diego a gigantic shit-sandwich that I’ll never quite get over, he sacked up and beat a previously unbeaten team in the Big Game and vindicated himself to a certain degree. With that in mind, we figure it’s time to put him through out “Tale Of The Tape” ringer against someone. Considering his name is actually Elisha Nelson Manning, we decided to match him up with the other most famous Elisha out there, a regular in the Rumors and Rants fantasy Rolodex, Elisha Cuthbert.

Both are semi-heavyweights in their respective fields and have made headlines lately. It’s a natural comparison. And yes, it’s the last not-so-subtle shot I’m taking at Eli for being a woman…

Vital Statistics
Eli Manning: 27-years-old, 6’4, 225, career 73.4 quarterback rating.
Elisha Cuthbert: 25-years-old, 5’2, 34 C.
Advantage: Cuthbert

Point Of Origin
Manning: New Orleans.
Cuthbert: Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Advantage: Manning


Recently Made Headlines For

Manning: Won the Super Bowl by knocking off the previously unbeaten New England Patriots.
Cuthbert: Making out with Paris Hilton at a club.

Advantage: Push

Regrettable Decision
Manning: Drinking too much in college.
Cuthbert: House of Wax.
Advantage: Manning


Biggest Knock Against Them
Manning: Has happy feet. Isn’t consistent. Will never be as good as his brother.
Cuthbert: Comes across as kind of a bitch.
Advantage: Push

Owes Fame To
Manning: Father Archie, brother Peyton.
Cuthbert: Jack Bauer.
Advantage: Cuthbert


New Best Friend
Manning: David Tyree.
Cuthbert: Paris Hilton.
Advantage: Manning


Thing That Bugs Us
Manning: Draft day San Diego-New York fiasco.

Cuthbert: She’s still never gone topless.
Advantage: Cuthbert

Crowning Achievement
Manning: MVP of Super Bowl XLII.
Cuthbert: The Girl Next Door.
Advantage: Manning


Biggest Fan(s)
Manning: Archie, Peyton, Cooper and Olivia.
Cuthbert: Phillips, McD, Hick Flick, The Baker.
Advantage: Cuthbert

Political Connection
Manning: Will eventually meet the president.
Cuthbert: Was invited to White House for a personal meeting with then-first lady Hilary Clinton due to her staring role on the show “Popular Mechanics for Kids.”
Advantage: Cuthbert

Athlete Who Hindered Their Progress
Manning: Ex-teammate, Tiki Barber.
Cuthbert: Ex-boyfriend, Sean Avery.
Advantage: Manning

Best Physical Attribute
Manning: Semi-laser, rocket arm.
Cuthbert: Her incredible rack.
Advantage: Cuthbert

Verdict: 6-5, Elisha Cuthbert
This was closer than it should have been, but let’s face it, we’d all rather have Ms. Cuthbert than Ms. Manning. Sure he won a Super Bowl, but she’s a hot chick. I’m sorry, end of discussion. No reason to justify this decision any more than that. Hey Elisha, call me…no not you Eli, the other one.

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  1. 4 Responses to “Tale Of The Tape: Eli vs. Elisha”

  2. Phillips,

    I am disappointed by your decision to stop taking digs at Eli for being a woman. However, I vow to take up your slack and double my efforts to make fun of him for being a sissy bitch. Here’s to you Elisha, hope you lay back, spread ‘em, and let Tyree take it to you for saving your ass by making the greatest catch in Super Bowl history.

    By MilwaukeeBooter on Feb 5, 2008

  3. Anyone check out the Boston Craigslist rants and raves? Boston is taking an all around ass pounding from fans across the country and one of Cheaters fans is taking it so personally that he’s started posting pics from 9-11. And people say Bellicheat was classless!

    By Anonymous on Feb 5, 2008

  4. My purely fictional love affair with Elisha Cuthbert is on the rocks. This post reminded me of why I love her so. Thank you.

    By Arjewtino on Feb 5, 2008

  5. No one can argue with her body but her face isn’t even close to hot. And when comparing making out with that cum dumpster Paris Hilton to winning the Super Bowl you called it a push?! Are you serious? I would guess that with only 42 superbowls in recorded history that there are fewer people who have won the big game than people who have contracted herpes from Paris Hilton.

    By Matt on Feb 6, 2008

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