Now that he’s won a Super Bowl, Eli Manning is big time. And hey, no one rips the kid more than us, but congrats to him. Even if he did give San Diego a gigantic shit-sandwich that I’ll never quite get over, he sacked up and beat a previously unbeaten team in the Big Game and vindicated himself to a certain degree. With that in mind, we figure it’s time to put him through out “Tale Of The Tape” ringer against someone. Considering his name is actually Elisha Nelson Manning, we decided to match him up with the other most famous Elisha out there, a regular in the Rumors and Rants fantasy Rolodex, Elisha Cuthbert.
Both are semi-heavyweights in their respective fields and have made headlines lately. It’s a natural comparison. And yes, it’s the last not-so-subtle shot I’m taking at Eli for being a woman…
Eli Manning: 27-years-old, 6’4, 225, career 73.4 quarterback rating.
Elisha Cuthbert: 25-years-old, 5’2, 34 C.
Point Of Origin
Manning: New Orleans.
Cuthbert: Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Recently Made Headlines For
Manning: Won the Super Bowl by knocking off the previously unbeaten New England Patriots.
Cuthbert: Making out with Paris Hilton at a club.
Manning: Drinking too much in college.
Cuthbert: House of Wax.
Biggest Knock Against Them
Manning: Has happy feet. Isn’t consistent. Will never be as good as his brother.
Cuthbert: Comes across as kind of a bitch.
Owes Fame To
Manning: Father Archie, brother Peyton.
Cuthbert: Jack Bauer.
New Best Friend
Manning: David Tyree.
Cuthbert: Paris Hilton.
Thing That Bugs Us
Manning: Draft day San Diego-New York fiasco.
Cuthbert: She’s still never gone topless.
Manning: MVP of Super Bowl XLII.
Cuthbert: The Girl Next Door.
Manning: Archie, Peyton, Cooper and Olivia.
Cuthbert: Phillips, McD, Hick Flick, The Baker.
Manning: Will eventually meet the president.
Cuthbert: Was invited to White House for a personal meeting with then-first lady Hilary Clinton due to her staring role on the show “Popular Mechanics for Kids.”
Best Physical Attribute
Manning: Semi-laser, rocket arm.
Cuthbert: Her incredible rack.
Verdict: 6-5, Elisha Cuthbert
This was closer than it should have been, but let’s face it, we’d all rather have Ms. Cuthbert than Ms. Manning. Sure he won a Super Bowl, but she’s a hot chick. I’m sorry, end of discussion. No reason to justify this decision any more than that. Hey Elisha, call me…no not you Eli, the other one.