And Vitale Will Still Talk Them Up

In case you haven’t noticed, Duke is kinda terrible right now. Some people have written serious articles about whether anything is wrong with Duke this year, while others have written stories in which they can barely contain their glee. This is one of the latter.

So what’s the deal, coach K? Why is your team suddenly unranked for the first time in the history of the ESPN/USA Today poll? Well, here goes nothing (deep breath). They have no scoring threat of any kind, Josh McRoberts is soft and has no offensive skills, Paulus is a turnover machine who can’t guard anyone, their early wins didn’t toughen up the team at all since they played their first 15 games at home or at a neutral site, they have never gotten the most out of their talent (coach K should have like 10 national titles by now), they don’t have much athleticism while playing in an athletic and deep conference, NBA players have killed coach K’s soul, DeMarcus Nelson is their leading scorer, they are much, much too young, they recruited too many guys who went out early or didn’t come to school at all, maybe, just maybe they’re over-hyped, and they have too many of a certain type of player, if you know what we mean (phew). Take a look at the team picture up there and you’ll see. It’s not Northwestern bad, but still.

Anyway, we just thought everyone should take a moment to bask in one of the few down years for the Dukies. Just thinking about all those Duke seniors who are spending their last season watching a bad Duke team and wondering why God is punishing them. Well, we know why guys, it’s because you went to Duke and karma is a bitch. On the bright side, at least J.J. Redick is no longer writing horrible poetry, banging Shavlik “As Long As You Don’t Bring Your Gayness On Me, I’m Fine” Randolph’s sister (allegedly) or peeing on chicks in Durham anymore. No no, instead he’s averaging a whole 6.6 points per game in Orlando. Remember what we said about karma?

But thank God they don’t let Vitale call NBA games, because, while we love his enthusiasm, we couldn’t sit through an hour of, “As far as Mr. Redick is concerned, I just don’t understand how anybody could say his game doesn’t translate. I truly believe he is gonna be a star…”

If Dickie V. had to analyze Duke so far he’d probably say something like, “Don’t forget about the Dukies, I know they are struggling right now, but they will be dangerous down the stretch because of all that talent…” or he’d go with “this has been Mike Krzyzewski’s best coaching job to get this team to where it is after losing all those seniors.”

It’s OK Dick, we love you, even though you do have a glass eye, and that’s just straight creepy.