Who’s Your Caddie? Me.

Dear Tiger,

I see that you parted ways with caddie Steve Williams after 12 years, and unless you plan on becoming the only player on the PGA Tour to lug his own clubs around you’re going to need someone on the bag.

Look no further.

I have over 7 years of excellent looping experience to offer. Like Danny Noonan, my caddying skills were good enough to pave my way to a full-ride college scholarship after Carl Lipbaum died from a severe anxiety attack in summer school.

Granted, it’s been a couple of years since I actually caddied, but it’s also been a couple of years since you were actually winning tournaments. I think there is a certain symmetry here that would strike the gold if our forces were combined. After all, I helped dozens of slightly above average-to-terrible golfers win thousands of dollars from their business colleagues and fellow club members. Imagine the possibilities if my talents were combined with someone that has talent. (Also ignore any rumors that the best golfers at the country club used better caddies than me).

As a Pisces born in the Year of the Dog, loyalty is one of my strongest traits. So if you ever find the need to get your schwerv on in the Perkins parking lot, I know nothing. But since you are now a changed man, I doubt such a thing will be necessary. However, I suspect you still have a great deal of female admirers. If you need help keeping them at bay, I have many time-tested and proven methods in that skill set.

Jack’s major record is still there for the taking. Let’s do it.

Sincerely,

Your New Bag Man

Photo illustration by Thporth.