LeBron: Almost As Popular as iCarly

The ratings are in for LeBronapalooza, aka the Bron-Bron Fellatiathon, also known as “The Decision.”*

As expected, it was a ratings bonanza. I guess.

With 9.95 million viewers, the program was the third-highest rated show on cable this year, trailing only the Pro Bowl and an episode of Nickelodeon’s “iCarly.”

Wait. Whaaaaaaa?

The most watched program on cable television was the Pro Bowl? How is it possible for the one event which every sports fan I know watched to be outdrawn by the one event which every sports fan I know didn’t watch? Are Nielsen’s ratings really that messed up? Or is watching the Pro Bowl just one of those things you never admit to anyone in public, like wearing women’s underwear?

As for iCarly, well, iUnderstand. It’s got all sorts of outrageous antics for 6th graders to enjoy. In fact, I once watched an entire episode myself. Actually, it happened like three times. I’m not sure why or how. It just did. I think now is probably a good time to end this paragraph.

Anyway, iHope that iCarly uses these numbers to her advantage when contract negotiations come up and parlays it into an hourlong special in which she announces that she is bringing her talents to the Disney Channel. Could you imagine iCarly and the Jonas Brothers teaming up? It’s not a matter of if they’d get any rings, but how many! (Purity rings, of course).

*= As much shi — er, flack (I need to remember that iCarly fans may stumble upon this post and therefore must use PG language. Remember kids, don’t ask anyone what “Fellatiathon” means, it’s one of those grown-up jokes) as Lebron has gotten for this disaster, let’s not forget to heap some blame to the person who got the ball rolling: Jim Gray.

Gray, who has always been a complete idiot, is the one who sold LeBron and ESPN on the idea. Basically, I am suggesting that Clevelanders restart the Cuyahoga River fire using Jim Gray effigies. He’s the dude responsible for LeBron rubbing his tain — er, for LeBron saying “In your face!”