My God! It’s Alan Shearer!

In a move the WWE could appreciate, Newcastle United have brought the most beloved player in their history in as manager to help save their season and avoid relegation. They’re in the ring, getting beaten down by a gaggle of middling wrestlers, and only Alan Shearer’s Kane-like entrance music can save the club from having to play Scunthorpe next year. Shearer is the club’s fourth manager this season.

Okay, so he’s got eight games, and God knows what even the best managers can do with two months and a team in line to be relegated. But who gives a shit? IT’S ALAN FUCKING SHEARER!

I’m actually surprised he’d want the gig. He’s never been a manager before and wow have the Magpies been shitty. They have been so awful this season, manager Joe Kinnear needed heart surgery and hasn’t been with the club in months. I mean, the team didn’t GIVE the guy a heart attack, but, you know, I’m just saying.

Among other things, Shearer will be attempting to fix a defense that a coach of a team of seven year old girls would think is terrible. Jesus God is it terrible. Just mentioning it made me take five minutes away from writing this to go sit in the corner and bang my head on the wall. He’ll also have to balance the playing time of an ass-ton of forwards (Michael Owen, Oba Martins, Shola Ameobi, and Mark Viduka) who are all good, but it’s not like any of them is scoring like crazy. Even if they do manage to avoid relegation, the team would be in danger of being relegated at the start of next season too.

With the way things have gone this season, this would be a truly awful April Fools’ Day prank to play on the Toon Army. Alan Shearer is the patron saint of Newcastle followers, and, gang of drunken louts the Toon Army is, it would not be taken well.

Just keep us in the top flight, Alan. We’ll build you a temple after.