Ohio State Hires The Family Guy

Ohio State hired well-known Family Guy Peter Griffin Urban Meyer on Monday to coach its football team.

Less than a year ago, Meyer stepped down from his post at Florida to spend more time with his family. Apparently, that family is incredibly boring. Or maybe they smell funny.

Either way, coaching the Buckeyes gives Meyer an excellent opportunity to spend no more than two hours a day with them tops — and let’s face the facts, isn’t that the most time anyone wants to spend with the fam?

Of course, that is assuming that Meyer was telling the truth about his departure from Florida, and that coaching in the post-Tebow era had nothing to do with it. But I would never disbelieve the words of this man of honor. It’s not like he denied he was going to be Ohio State’s coach when it was initially reported last week.

“I have not been offered any job nor is there a deal in place,” he said last Wednesday.

See? Semantically speaking, that’s not a lie! There was no deal in place until Monday. And I’m sure they also waited until Monday to make sure Urban would be in Columbus and it would be cool if he could swing by for a press conference.

Oh, and speaking of the press conference, what a beauty. Meyer said that part of the stress he suffered at the end of his Florida tenure came from “trying to cure NCAA issues, agent issues, drug issues… I tried to do other people’s jobs, maybe to a fault.”

Obviously campus police chief was not one of them, since 27 Gators were arrested during Meyer’s tenure, the most in college football.

Ohio State president Gordon Gee said that one of the things that endeared Meyer to him was his reputation as a “goody two-shoes”… wait, Gordon Gee still has a job? Isn’t he the same guy responded to the Jim Tressel controversy by saying “I just hope he doesn’t dismiss me?” How is it that the biggest idiots in the world are the ones entrusted with overseeing our institutions of higher education? (Special shout-out to former Penn State prez Graham Spanier!)

This is not Meyer’s first stint in Columbus. He also worked under Earle Bruce for two years as a graduate assistant in 1986-87. That tenure included what Bruce once termed “the darkest day in Ohio State history” — a 31-10 home loss to Indiana.

It took an even darker day (we think) in Tressel’s firing to bring him back.

Based on his track record, it’s unlikely that there will be similar dark days for the Buckeyes in the years ahead. Unless you’re a member of his family.