Kevin Wilson Solves Hoosiers’ Woes

For decades, Indiana fans have wondered why their football team sucks so badly.

Fortunately, new coach Kevin Wilson has finally gotten to the root of the problem.

In an earth-shattering decision delivered on Tuesday, Wilson announced that the Hoosiers will be moving their sideline from the west side of Memorial Stadium to the east side for Saturday’s home opener against Virginia. The reasoning is that the student section is on the east side of the stadium, so in theory the Hoosiers will feed off of that energy by being closer to them.

While it always struck me as unusual that the students sat on the opposite side of the stadium as the team, if the Hoosiers actually were looking to harness all of the energy the student body provides they’d have to put the sideline out on 17th Street next to the tailgating fields.

Since that particular move would be impossible, I do like Wilson’s decision. It’s a little known fact that underneath the east sideline at Memorial Stadium there is a secret deposit of uranium ore which has been providing visiting teams with an energy boost for years.

Why, I remember the time that Larry Johnson ran for 327 yards against the IU defense after coming off that sideline. Or the time Charles Rogers looked like the greatest college wide receiver I had ever seen in leading Michigan State to a 30-point win over the Hoosiers the week after the entire Spartan coaching staff was fired midseason. Of course, standing on top of radioactive material can have debilitating long-term affects, as evidenced by the personal lives of Messrs. Johnson and Rogers.

But as Kevin Wilson has already demonstrated in his short tenure at IU, he wants a culture of winning. And as any Hoosier football fan knows, the winners have always stood on the east side.