Why Are The Red Sox 0-6?

Without question, the biggest surprise in baseball’s first week has been the horrific start of the Boston Red Sox, who have dropped their first six games for the first time since 1945 despite being the pick of most people to take the AL East.

After getting swept by the Indians, the Sox must surely be asking themselves, “How did I get here? This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my beautiful house.” Or something like that.

There’s no definitive thing we can point to for the BoSox slow start, but we do have some possible reasons.

- Carl Crawford has been slowed considerably by the wad of cash in his back pocket after signing a $142 millon deal to sign with the Sox in the offseason. Have you ever tried bringing that much money to the bank? You just can’t do it. He has to keep it stored safe somewhere.

- Adrian Gonzalez is uncomfortable playing on a team where he’s not expected to provide 95 percent of the offensive production. Even though he’ll still need to.

- How could anyone be expected to beat the Indians, anyway? Have you seen that lineup? It’s sick! There’s at least two guys you could put on a fantasy team. And it was too loud to concentrate at that place. They had 10,000 fans show up!

- Competing in the AL East is no fair. Have you seen Baltimore and Toronto’s payrolls? Come on! Why can’t they move us to the Central or something?

- Yeah, we’re batting .190, 29th in the league. But everyone knows that batting average is an outdated stat, so we don’t worry about it.

- Skeptics say “You got shut out by Fausto Carmona, that dude had a 30.00 ERA going into the game.” We say, “He was due.”

- Don’t worry, John Lackey will hit his stride. It just takes a couple seasons.