Todd Collins: NFL Quarterback?

The Internet was on fire the past two days with everyone’s take on whether or not Jay Cutler pussed out on Sunday. Whatever. I’m over it. His teammates are rather adamant that he didn’t bail on them, and this story is already played out.

The thing that blows my mind, and actually made me wake up laughing at 6:30 on Monday morning, is that the Bears employed Todd Collins as their backup quarterback in the case Cutler got hurt and/or bravely chickened out.

This sentiment was clearly shared by the woman at the game who could be heard on my television screaming, “Are you fucking kidding me? TODD COLLINS?!?” as Collins checked in to the game after Brian Urlacher’s potential game-changing interception gave the Bears momentum and good field position that Collins naturally parlayed into a three-and-out.

As my buddy Goldberg pointed out, Collins has all of 24 touchdown passes in 16 NFL seasons. Yes folks, that is an average of 1.3 TD passes a year, which is not the kind of stat you like to figure out when your team is in a 14-0 hole. Goldberg went on to say that he would rather see a former co-worker of ours who was about 5’10″ and 400 pounds (conservative estimate) behind center. It was hard to disagree.

My buddy Two Beers noted on Facebook that “Todd Collins looks like he’s trying to crap out a watermelon out there,” which is also difficult to dispute.

Another friend, Big Ken Money, was irate that Caleb Hanie was not in the game, which also made sense if for nothing other than the fact Hanie was not so old that he was the opposing quarterback when Kordell Stewart threw a Hail Mary to beat Michigan in 1994. Think about it. That’s so long ago that Michigan and Colorado’s football programs were BOTH relevant and Rae Carruth had not yet paid a hitman to murder anyone. Not to mention so long ago that top college football programs actually played decent nonconference opponents.

During Collins’ second drive, Goldberg noted that the Bears would be better off running the wildcat with Devin Hester or Matt Forte. By that point I figured Hanie might be a more viable option, but certainly the wildcat would have done no worse than Collins.

Finally the Bears did come to their senses after Collins’ two ineffectual “drives” and handed the reins to Hanie, who somehow made a game of it despite making the unfortunate mistake of throwing a Pick Six to a fat guy. Still, had the Bears run something better than an end around on the third-and-3 play that preceded Hanie’s forced fourth-down interception that ended it, and had they not wasted two possessions on Collins, I think there is a chance the game could have gone to overtime, where the Bears could have lost in even more agonizing fashion or pulled off the upset to set the stage for one of the most lopsided Super Bowls of all-time.

While the masses heap their scorn upon Cutler, I will heap mine upon the coaches and management who actually felt Todd Collins would still make a viable NFL quarterback if the situation called for it.