King Ralphs

Big ups to the Cleveland Cavaliers, who became the first team to trail by just three baskets with over a minute left to play in a playoff game and made no attempt whatsoever to stop the clock or get the ball back from the opponent.

The pathetic ending aside, one other thing was made obvious about Cleveland’s loss on Thursday night: LeBron James is clearly not worthy of the moniker “King James.” Because, you know, kings are actually supposed to have a crown. Or dress up in sequined jumpsuits in Vegas.

Being ever the creative types, my friends suggested the following choices as possible nicknames for LeBron:

- Prince James

- Princess James

- The Earl of James

- Prime Minister James

- Archduke James

- Pauper James

- Viceroy James

- Chrysler LeBron

I realize that this series exposed just how bad his teammates are and his coach is, but a king’s got to be able to rise above that. Coming one turnover shy of recording a most unusual quadruple-double is not the best way to go about that. Until LeBron prove he’s capable of finishing, that title he carries around is a sham. (Am I doubting his talent? No. He’s already one of the best who has ever played. But Dan Marino was also one of the best athletes who never won the big one, and he didn’t walk about calling himself “King Dan.” See what I mean?)

The most damning line of the night came from my buddy Buffalo Bob, who generally has nothing to cheer about.

“Just when I think being a sports fan from Buffalo couldn’t get any dumber… Cleveland comes along and totally redeems itself.”

Sorry, Clevelanders. You have again taken the lead in the never-ending race for America’s Most Tortured Sports City, and it’s beginning to look like you may never relinquish the title.

Then again, at least they get to be the kings of something.