Canadian Pie

In the movie “Being John Malkovich,” ordinary people enter a portal that brings them inside John Malkovich’s brain.

The other night, I entered a similar portal that brought me inside the brain of a Canadian after USA’s 5-3 hockey victory. The following song is a result of that journey. (Remember, if I actually were Canadian this site would be called Rumours and Rants).

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the lyrics, even though there is no music because I can neither sing nor play instruments. And keep in mind that this is slightly abriged because American Pie is a long fricking song.

Also, I am offering Geddy Lee first dibs if he wants to lay down the vocals on this one. If he’s busy, I’m cool with either Bachman, Turner or Overdrive getting the next pick. Any of the Barenaked Ladies are eligible as well.

Basically, any Canadian artist not named Nickleback, Avril Lavigne or Celine Dion is allowed to have at it.

A short, short time ago
I can still remember how hockey made me smile
And I knew if I had my stick
I could make moves real slick
And maybe some chicks would… sip my Quik

But February made me shiver
With ever e-mail I’d deliver
Bad news on the computer
If I had a wife I might shoot her
When I read about the loss to the U.S. side
Yes, something touched me deep inside
The day that hockey died.

So bye, bye Miss Canadian Pie
Drove with Chevy to The Levee but now The Levee is queer
Just some good ole hosers drinking whiskey and beer
Singing this was the day I long feared, this was the day I long feared.

Oh, did you read The Hockey News
When Gretzky was playing for the Blues
Do you believe in donut holes?
Can eating Timbits save your soul?
And can you go from A to Zed real slow?

I was a lonely, drunk and mad Canuck
With a Rush CD in my pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day that hockey died

We were singin’
Bye, bye Miss Canadian Pie
Drove with Chevy to The Levee but now The Levee is queer
Just some good ole hosers drinking whiskey and beer
Singing this was the day I long feared, this was the day I long feared.

For two days we’ve been on our own
As moss grows fat on a curling stone
But that’s not how it used to be.
The Great One played in Edmonton
Many Stanley Cups were won

Oh and while The Great One was looking down
The Jester stole his plastic crown
The Jester, why he moved Quebec
Then did the same thing to the Jets
I cursed the heavens and said “What the heck”
The day that hockey died

We started singing
Bye, bye Miss Canadian Pie
Drove with Chevy to The Levee but now The Levee is queer
Just some good ole hosers drinking whiskey and beer
Singing this was the day I long feared, this was the day I long feared.

Helter skelter in a winter swelter
Every time it snows, sun melts ‘er
Eight kilometers high and falling fast

So come on, Marty be nimble, Marty be quick
Marty Brodeur sat on his goalie stick
Because losing was that Devil’s only friend

Oh, and as I watched him on the ice
My stomach felt like a bowl of rice
No angel born in Thunder Bay
Could make the pain go away

And as the goals climbed through the night
With every flash of that red light
I saw Ryan Miller laugh with delight
The day that hockey died

He was singing,
Bye, bye Miss Canadian Pie
Drove with Chevy to The Levee but now The Levee is queer
Just some good ole hosers drinking whiskey and beer
Singing this was the day I long feared, this was the day I long feared.

I met a guy who coached the Flames
And asked him who there was to blame
But he just smiled and said “Go to hell.”
I went down to the liquor store
Where I bought booze in years before
But the man there said they wouldn’t let him sell

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The hosers cried, and the poets dreamed
of putting ketchup on mac and cheese.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
Wayne Gretzky, Don Cherry and John Candy’s ghost
They caught the last train to the coast
The day that hockey died.

And they were singin’
Bye, bye Miss Canadian Pie
Drove with Chevy to The Levee but now The Levee is queer
Just some good ole hosers drinking whiskey and beer
Singing this was the day I long feared, this was the day I long feared.