Hot Tub Time Machine Brings Us Criminal QBs And Defeats

So I’m sitting in this hot tub with three other middle-aged dudes, getting drunk, having a blast and then BAM! all of the sudden the water starts spinning and the next thing I know we’re in 1986.

Sounds retarded, right?

Well ladies and gentlemen, I give you the premise for “Hot Tub Time Machine” due to hit theaters this March.

The movie stars John Cusack, Rob Corddry and Daryl from “The Office” (Craig Robinson). And I’m sure it will be funny in spots. But what should we expect 24 years ago to look like? It was so long ago.

So let’s take a quick 1986 refresher course.

Ferris Bueller took a day off. Sigourney Weaver blasted “Aliens,” Jimmy Chitwood became a legend, Goose made us cry and some Australian dude named Dundee swept to American box office gold.

The first PC virus spread, Challenger disintegrated and Bill Buckner booted a Mookie Wilson ground ball.

“The Love Boat” docked for good, Kit and The Hoff were canceled, a heavyset black woman went national on daytime TV, a cat-eating, puppeted alien life form appeared as did some weirdo named Pee-wee.

And in the NFL, the Indianapolis Colts went 3-13, turning to a future “Survivor” at quarterback while the New Orleans Saints finished 7-9 and had some 26-year old kicker named Morten Andersen.

I don’t think there were too many futures bets in Vegas on Colts-Saints in the 2010 Super Bowl. Unless you pulled a Marty McFly maneuver.

Indianapolis, in just its third season in the heartland, was led by Rod Dowhower, the man who succeeded Bill Walsh at Stanford in 1979. However, Dowhower didn’t finish the year. Indianapolis opened with 13 consecutive losses and he was fired. Ron Meyer replaced Dowhower and won the remaining three games of the ’86 season.

The Saints were in their 20th year and the franchise’s 20th straight year without a winning record (They broke that streak the following season).

New Orleans boasted an exciting Rookie of the Year-winning running back in Rueben Mayes and a first-year head coach, who would soon be dreaming of the “Playoffs!?”

While quarterback play is at an absolute platinum level for the Saints and Colts today, in 1986, it was more like low-grade tin. Both teams started former University of Illinois quarterbacks they would bench later in the season.

New Orleans was still trying to find a replacement after the Archie Manning Era, even experimenting with an ancient Kenny Stabler for three seasons (1982-84). In 1986, the rather unimpressive Dave Wilson went 6-7 as a starter throwing for 2,353 yards, 10 touchdowns and 17 interceptions. It would be Wilson’s best season of his seven-year career. He was benched in favor of a Louisiana native named Booby Hebert.

In Indianapolis, rookie Jack Trudeau was handed the keys to the Pinto that was the Colts’ offense. Much like Peyton Manning 12 years later. Both struggled. Trudeau went 0-11 in 1986, while Manning went 3-13 as a rookie in 1998. That’s pretty much where the comparisons between Jack Trudeau and Peyton Manning end.

During his 10-year career, Trudeau only enjoyed one season (1989) where he threw for more touchdowns than interceptions. Still residing in the Indianapolis-area, he has gotten himself into some hot water locally by providing alcohol to minors at a party at his home.

Trudeau was benched during the 12th game of the season, replaced by former Notre Dame quarterback Blair Kiel. In relief against the Oilers, Kiel threw for 146 yards and two scores in a losing effort. Earlier this year, Kiel - like Trudeau - ran afoul with the law.

A drunk Kiel was arrested for domestic battery after scaring his girlfriend into a minor league stadium bathroom where she cried until police intervened.

Next up under center for the Colts was Gary Hogeboom. Hogeboom won three of his five starts, completing nearly 60 percent of his passes.

Hogeboom, a marginal pro quarterback, couldn’t afford to strike with the rest of the NFL regulars in 1987 and played along with replacement players.

In 2005, Hogeboom reappeared as a contestant on “Survivor: Guatemala” as Gary Hawkins. Hogeboom pretended to be a landscaper instead of telling the other contestants he was a former NFL QB for fear they would think he had money and hence would be voted off. He lasted 30 days, but got the slip and finished in seventh place. Hogeboom was the first Survivor to find and use a hidden immunity idol.

And better yet, he hasn’t been arrested in the last 12 months.

Now, in vintage Rumors and Rants style, I’m just going to photo dump some dimes that were born in 1986.

I think I speak for us all when I say, “Thanks, God.”