Kids These Days…

It hasn’t been such a good offseason for a pair of precocious pros who Chicagoans have embraced early in their careers.

This spring, we learned that the person that took Derrick Rose’s college entrance exam was not actually Derrick Rose. At the end of the day it really doesn’t make a bit of difference for Rose’s career since he left college after one year anyway, but there is now a little blot on what had previously been an unblemished track record in terms of character. It’s certainly naive to think he was the first one to ever pull that stunt, but it’s still embarrassing nonetheless.

Yet D-Rose has nothing on his fellow United Center tenant, Patrick Kane, who now has an entire omelette on his face after getting arrested for allegedly attacking a cab driver over 20 cents change. Hearing that news was almost as shocking as the realization that Kane does not have a bedtime set by his parents.

Yes. Two dimes. For a guy making $875,000 a year. At least we know why young teammate Jonathan Toews has the captain’s “C” on his sweater instead of Kane.

I thought of doing something clever with this post, like a list of the things that Patrick Kane could get with the 20 cents that he wanted back from the cabbie. But the fact of the matter is, there isn’t a fucking thing you could do with 20 cents. The cost of building a time machine to go to a year where 20 cents had any value would far outweigh the usefulness of having the 20 cents.

And another thing. Even if this cabbie really sucked, would it kill you to throw him the 20 cents as a shitty tip? Cab driving is not exactly an illustrious job, as illustrated multiple times in my life.

There’s our old friend Thporth, who was once held up at gunpoint in his short stint as a cabbie.

There’s the cabbie who once expressed to my friend Justin a desire to go to college and study English, which a drunken Justin replied to by saying, “Don’t even bother. That’s a waste of time.”

There’s the cabbie who was assaulted by Ole Miss basketball coach Andy Kennedy and accused of being a member of al-Qaeda. The only reason he still has a job is that everyone in Mississippi probably would have done the same thing in that situation.

And as we all know, working for Danny DeVito can’t be much of a treat.

As bad as this episode might turn out — Kane and his cousin have robbery counts against them for taking back the $13.80 they owed the cabbie — let’s not forget that there are at least a couple of positives here.

First off, let’s remember that he’s still 20. As a former 20-year-old myself, I can attest to an extraordinary propensity for doing stupid shit.

Sure, Patrick Kane might be a cheapskate along the lines of Bill Wirtz, but at least he was responsible enough to get a cab in the first place. If he’s Donte Stallworth, he’d have driven himself home and killed someone. (Too soon? Oh wait, it isn’t. Because he fucking killed someone and is already out of jail. Say what you will about the tenets of Michael Vick — he deserved the time he served — but how is Stallworth back in the game sooner than him after killing an actual person? I digress).

Furthermore, I don’t think there is a single Blackhawks fan out there who had any idea that Kane could drop the gloves and fight. Who says they need an enforcer? You better believe the Red Wings will think twice about messing with him now. Especially if they sign any cabbies.