There Is Nothing Not Funny About This Story

Note from the writer: I’m going to trying and type out this post between wheezes of laughter.

So let me get this straight: Manny Ramirez - who ESPN basically dubbed the greatest hitter ever, ever, in its preseason coverage - has been suspended 50 games by Major League Baseball after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. Ramirez claims that he wasn’t juicing, he was prescribed medication by a doctor to deal with erectile dysfunction (Tee-hee). So, what, exactly sucks about this story?

I mean seriously, this is fantastic. Let me go through the different elements of this sordid tale that make it so wonderful I’m going to venture to call it the greatest sports comedy story of all-time.

1. Ramirez is a Dodger
Any time anything horrible happens to the Los Angeles Dodgers I laugh.

2. The Dodgers are the best team in baseball right now
Ramirez has been the linchpin in LA’s 21-9 start, including its modern record of 13 straight home wins to start a season. So that record is now completely tainted.

3. Manny’s explanation
In short he basically said, “No, no I wasn’t using drugs because I was trying to get better at baseball. I just couldn’t get my dick hard.” It’s officially the first time someone has used the “My cock wasn’t working” defense in sports history.

4. The drug
Ramirez tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin or hCG, which is a female fertility drug.

5. One guy’s explanation of the drug
HCG is used to help produce testosterone. One of the major reasons it is prescribed is to help stimulate testicles that have stopped working due to steroid use. Oops. Charles Yesalis, a professor from Penn State University, said that if someone was actually just having erectile dysfunction problems, most doctors would have prescribed Viagra or Cialis. So all signs point to Manny having previously used steroids. So much so that his balls stopped functioning properly.

6. Boston can suck it
Ever since finally taking a title in 2004 Boston fans have become so incredibly annoying that the entire sports universe has turned against them. Led by Bill Simmons’ 10,000 word blowjobs to all things Boston, SAWKS fans represent everything wrong with fandom right now. From the success of the Patriots to the Celtics’ title last summer we’ve all had enough out of the Massholes. Now your titles in 2004 and 2007 are completely tainted. Ha-ha.

7. ESPN backtracking
Before the season ESPN ran constant stories about Manny being in LA, how he finally felt at home and how he was the greatest right-handed hitter of all-time. Last night they backtracked big time. Everyone is jumping off the Manny ship, Steve Phillips even said there’s likely no way he makes the Hall of Fame anymore.

8. Bill Simmons’ reaction
I used to be a big Simmons fan. Right up until about, hmmm 2004-ish. His bitter fan of a terrible team thing worked. Since then he’s been nothing short of an annoying blowhard who constantly tells us how the fans of his teams are superior to yours. Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed this column.

I could keep listing all day. Seriously, I haven’t enjoyed a sports story this much in ages. So I’m just going to sit back and continue to revel in the story of Manny’s Faulty Balls (not to be confused with these).