Gunga…Gunga Galunga

We’re not well-versed in the legal system here at Rumors and Rants, which is why we “employ” an official legal counsel, Booter. (His work is strictly pro bono, though I am not sure whether or not he is pro-Bono one way or the other).

Despite my lack of time researching the latest legal reviews, I can say with a fairly high degree of certainty that no judge has ever cited Carl Spackler in a legal ruling before. That all changed on Wednesday, when a U.S. District Court judge invoked the Bushwood Country Club assistant groundskeeper in throwing out a case brought to him by Andrew Giuliani.

You remember little Andrew, don’t you? He first made national headlines for acting like a mentally handicapped child at the podium during his father’s inauguration speech, which was then portrayed by Chris Farley on SNL (which we’d show you if YouTube didn’t completely suck these days). But more importantly, he made it onto Rumors and Rants last year when he decided that it was time to sue Duke University for getting kicked off of the golf team.

As you recall, everyone in the story was a douche from top to bottom. (And if you don’t, click on that link up there and refresh your memory). When it’s Duke we’re talking about, that’s just the way it’s got to be. But Andrew clearly established himself as the douchiest douche that ever douched in the process of alienating all of his teammates and getting tossed off the team.

Anyway, this week he finally got his day in court. It didn’t last long.

Federal magistrate Wallace W. Dixon made it into the Rumors and Rants Legal Hall of Fame by not only throwing out the lawsuit, but completely ridiculing Giuliani in the process. (He probably figured no one ever told the spoiled brat “No” in his life and it was time to teach him a lesson).

He used terms like “Plaintiff attempts to take a mulligan with this argument; however, this shot also lands in the drink,” in the ruling, but he saves his best for last.

Plaintiff’s promissory estoppel claim, which was not argued in his brief, brings to mind Carl Spackler’s analysis in CADDYSHACK (Orion Pictures 1980): “He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away. He’s going to hit a 2-iron, I think.” North Carolina does not recognize affirmative claims of promissory estoppel; Thus, Defendants are entitled to a judgment on the pleadings.

Seriously, his lawyer didn’t realize that North Carolina doesn’t recognize affirmative claims of promissory estoppel? What a dumbass. (Not that I know what it is either. But then again, I’m a poor sports journalist. If I was a lawyer making six or seven figs a year and my idiot client was trying to win using that argument, I’d sure as shit know whether it was recognized in the state we were suing someone in).

Said attorney told the New York Daily News that the fight is not over despite the ruling. To cite Nell Carter, gimme a break.

Give it up, Andrew. There will be no money. But on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.