Mel Kiper, You Are My Hero

I officially retract everything negative I’ve ever said about Mel Kiper Jr. Sure, he may be a blowhard who has a creepy obsession with 18 to 25-year-old men, but I can forgive that. And though his nightly, ESPN-sponsored, cat fights with Todd McShay make me want to gouge my eyes out, right now I’d really like to buy Kiper a beer.

Why? Because he just went off on Jay Cutler. He went so crazy on the Broncos’ doughy, mopey, whiny quarterback that the quotes sound like he was easily 13 shots of Jameson into the evening.

Here’s what he said, and it’s so great I’m still amazed by it (it’s from this week’s Tuesday with Mel Kiper Jr. on ESPN).

“Talk about whining and complaining - this is at the top of my list,” Kiper says.

Kiper says Cassel would have been an “upgrade” over Cutler and that Cutler is, to put it mildly, overrated.

“(Cutler) throws one pass, he’s a Hall of Famer,” Kiper says. “I’ve seen the media put him in the Hall of Fame. I had to run to the bathroom quick. It was making me ill. I’ve been hearing this overhype.”

“This guy was overhyped at the combine, he was overhyped at Senior Bowl week, He’s been overhyped before he was drafted. The media, they love Jay Cutler. Jay Cutler can do no wrong. I’ve been saying he’s overrated since day one. Everyone’s been pounding their chests saying, ‘Oh, I love Jay Cutler, I’m a genius.’ They have egg on their face now.”

Then, Mel goes further, pointing out that Cutler has never led the Broncos to a winning record or a playoff appearance. He also says, “(Cutler) makes throws that leave you scratching your head, which I said on draft day when he was picked. Yeah, he’s got a strong arm, but my daughter knew he had a strong arm, she could have written that report.”

Then, the coup de grâce, enjoy:

“Jeff George had a great arm, and Jeff George had a lot of great games in this league, and people were putting Jeff George in the HOF early in his career,” Kiper says. “So I’m just telling you this is ridiculous.”

Wow. Just, wow. He totally just pulled out the Jeff George card. Ouch. I’m not above making fun of people, but damn Mel, that’s cold man.

Just to drive the point home further, here’s the final verbal lance delivered by our brave knight:

Also, Cutler once said he had a better arm than John Elway. Not surprisingly, Kiper isn’t a fan of that comment either. ‘So what? Who cares? Why would you make a comparison to John Elway? That could be taken like you’re in a position to critique the quarterback that is a legend.”

I’d like to remind you that he hates the bullshit Jay Cutler is pulling so much that he even stopped focusing his beloved NFL Draft for five minutes just to rip the kid a new asshole.

Just to reiterate, I love Mel Kiper Jr.