In Ted We Trust

I wrote three full-length newspaper articles today, and now I’m writing this blog entry.

Why?

Because I’m a badass. Just like Theodore Roosevelt Lilly.

In case you did not know, America is turning its lonely eyes to Ted Lilly tonight as the US attempts to stave off elimination against Puerto Rico in Round 2 of the World Baseball Classic.

I know what some of you are thinking. Ted Lilly? Is this really the best pitcher that the United States has to offer in an elimination situation? After all, if he was really so clutch, wouldn’t have Lou Piniella given him the ball in Game 3 of the Cubs’ playoff series against the Dodgers?

Well, don’t blame Lilly for that. Senile Old Lou probably thought it was a best-of-seven series and figured he’d have Lilly going in Game 4 to help the Cubs stave off elimination. (Speaking of Senile Old Lou, don’t you think he would be perfect for a Smuckers commercial? I could just hear his voice saying “SMUCKERS! It’s the kind of jam I like!” Because Smuckers is a product that only old people should endorse, since it is a word that sounds better when said by an old person.)

Anyway, that means the last time Teddy Ballgame was on the hill in a meaningful postseason-type game, it was Game 2 of the 2007 NLDS against the Diamondbacks. As you might recall, that game is best known for Lilly treating his glove like it was Rhianna after he gave up a Chris Young homer. (Unfortunately, we don’t have footage.)

Even I, one of the most ardent Ted Lilly supporters on the planet — so ardent that I wrote a verse of a song in his honor — will readily admit that our country has produced other pitchers who might be more suited for this particular game. But you know what? All of them are pussies who didn’t come out for the team. (And in case you’re wondering, the verse goes “Pitcher named Lilly/Makes my life so wonderful/Pitcher named Lilly/Makes me feel all right.” That’s all I’ve got so far).

Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, on the other hand, is a goddamn American hero. And you better believe the crafty southpaw from Torrance, CA will do his best to subjegate the puertorriquenos. (Unless he gives up a homer to his catcher, Geovany Soto. Like he already did in Round 1 to his former other catcher, Hank White of Venezuela.)