Tale of the Tape: Philadelphia vs. Arizona

Like I warned you for our AFC Championship Game “preview,” don’t look for me to tell you that Brent Celek is going to play a big role or that Anquan Boldin is of a superior species.

Everyone is picking the Eagles in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game, and you know what, Kurt Warner and Jesus are just fine and dandy with that. Kurt’s wife called me up and told me the Good Lord is willing to let Rumors and Rants decide the fate of her husband and his teammates this weekend. She said Jesus gave us two options: gather an eagle and a cardinal, put them in a cage and see who wins or do a Tale of the Tape. We don’t want to piss off PETA or Pam Anderson, so we’ll go with a Tale of the Tape.

Philadelphia vs. Arizona (via Phoenix)

Awful celebrities

Philadelphia: Kevin Bacon, Danny Bonaduce, Seth Green, Richard Gere, Sherman Hemsley, Joey Lawrence and Bob Saget

Phoenix: Barry Goldwater and Sandra Bernhard

Advantage: Philly is like a who’s who among those likely to appear on VH1’s “Surreal Life: Season 10.” Philadelphia.

Original City Name

Philadelphia: Shackamaxon. Inhabited by Delaware Native Americans, it is the site of William Penn’s reported treaty with the tribe in 1682 in which he legally purchases the land.

Phoenix: Pumpkinville. Named for the large pumpkins that flourished in fields along canals built by the city’s founder Jack Swilling, who wanted to name the city “Stonewall” in honor of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson.

Advantage: Probably a good thing you didn’t initially name your town after a Confederate general, love the nickname though. Phoenix.

Ladies You’d Like to ‘Meet’

Philadelphia:

Tina Fey and Kelly Monaco

Phoenix:

Arizona State University’s sororities and Sarah Elizabeth (Playboy Cyber Girl of the Month Nov. ’06).

Advantage: Quantity and quality, plus porn stars (Jenna Jameson and Sophia Rossi) and Playmates (Karen McDougal and Jennifer Walcott) retire there. Phoenix.

Interesting tidbit

Philadelphia: My dog, a 14-year old weiner dog named Reggie, has urinated all over Independence Hall, which used to double as my front yard when I lived at 6th St. and Locust.

Phoenix: During World War II, Japanese-Americans were held in the Papago Park Prisoner of War Camp. In 1944, dozens of prisoners devised a plan to escape from the camp and use boats to go down the Salt and Gila Rivers to reach Mexico. Apparently, Rand McNally wasn’t as detailed back then. The Salt River had been dry for decades and the escapees were easily found.

Advantage: Reggie reigns supreme. Philadelphia.

Annoying ESPN personalities

Philadelphia: Mike Golic and Stephen A. Smith. Please watch.

Arizona: Does it matter?

Advantage: Philadelphia.

Mob run-ins

Philadelphia: Anthony Turra. On his way to the courthouse March, 18, 1998 facing charges for plotting to kill Philadelphia mob underboss “Skinny Joey” Merlino, Turra was shot twice on his doorstep, including once in the eye, by a gunman in a black ski mask. Turra, 61, was out on bail because he suffered from cancer, emphysema and congestive heart failure. I’m guessing he made for an easy target. Turra wanted to put out a hit on Merlino because Merlino’s boys beat the shit out of Turra’s son, Louis, for failing to pay a street tax on his illegal earnings. Louis had already hanged himself in jail while awaiting trial by the time daddy got clipped.

Phoenix: Arizona Republic writer Don Bolles. An investigative reporter, Bolles was killed by a car bomb in 1976. Bolles started his car and six sticks of dynamite taped underneath the car exploded tearing his lower body to tatters. While lying in the parking lot, he uttered his final words: “They finally got me. The Mafia. Emprise. Find John.” He died 11 days later. Some suspected Kemper Marley, a man who made millions in liquor distribution business in a partnership with Cindy McCain’s father and fraternal uncle, was responsible for Bolles’ murder. No evidence was ever produced linking him to the murder, but the man who planted the bomb (John Harvey Adamson) implicated an associate of Marley’s. Bolles’ 1976 Datsun 210, which sat in a Phoenix Police impound lot for 28 years, will be featured in the Newseum in Washington, D.C.

Advantage: Losing your lower half for a week and a half is pretty rough. Plus, I’m somewhat of a journalist, so I empathize. Phoenix.

Skyline

Philadelphia:

Phoenix:

Advantage: What skyline, Phoenix? Having lived in Society Hill, this is an easy one. Philadelphia.

Music

Philadelphia: The Roots, John Oates (from Hall & Oates), Eve, Boyz II Men, Pink

Phoenix: Michelle Branch, The Meat Puppets, Jimmy Eat World, The Gin Blossoms, Jordan Sparks

Advantage: Who doesn’t remember awkwardly slow dancing to some “On Bended Knee.” Unlike Lois, we’re coming back for Oates. Philadelphia.

Classy Broad You’d Like to Bang

Philadelphia:

Grace Kelly.

Phoenix:

Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter.

Advantage: While Grace was a Princess, Lynda was Wonderful. Plus, look at that golden bust. But I’m sorry to say, we have to go with the classic on this one. Philadelphia.

And there you have it. The land of Cheese Steaks, Ben Franklin and “Rocky” bests retirees, golf and shopping malls as Philadelphia wins 6-3. But unlike the AFC Championship Game Tale of the Tape, this game has no chance of a 6-3 score line. All this means is that the Eagles are going to double up the Cards 34-17.