Tuesday Evening Punter: Week 2.5

You’ve probably heard of the Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Here at Rumors and Rants, we’d like to provide you with a similar concept, only less verbose, half a day later and not as in-depth because we don’t have any sort of TV package that allows us to see every football game worth watching each weekend.

Hence, we’re the punter. (Which in British slang can be used to describe a customer at a brothel. Ironically, there is a position in rugby called the hooker, so I guess we’re even on either side of the pond). And here are the odds and ends from the past weekend in football (Week 3 in college, Week 2 in the NFL) that we’d like to boot into your coffin corner.

Could anyone in the Pac-10 outside of USC win the Mountain West?

What a terrible, terrible weekend for the Pacific 10 Conference. Sure, USC beat the tar out of Ohio State, but is there anyone who didn’t see that coming with the Buckeyes playing sans Beanie Wells? (With him in the lineup, the Buckeyes certainly could have cut the margin to 35-14).

And the Big Ten dropped another one to the Pac-10 when Purdue pissed away a 20-6 lead to Oregon and lost in overtime. But that was what Purdue was put on this earth to do, so that wasn’t much of a surprise either. It still wasn’t enough to convince me that the Ducks would reign supreme in the Mountain West, home of sudden titans Brigham Young and Utah.

The Cougars smashed the point spread against Rick Neuheisel and UCLA with a 59-0 win that was the Bruins’ worst effort in 75 years. Looks like USC’s L.A. football monopoly still has hotels on Broadway and Park Place.

UCLA’s debacle in Provo was par for the course in the Pac-10 on Saturday. Stanford, Arizona and Arizona State also lost to Mountain West teams, giving the “superior” BCS conference an 0-4 record against its smaller western cousin.

If you were an Arizona State athlete, you wouldn't care how much you underachieved on the field either.

Somehow, ASU was ranked No. 15 before its 23-20 loss to UNLV. Has anyone else noticed how Arizona State enters seemingly every season ranked in the Top 25 in both football and basketball only to barely make the postseason, if they even make it at all? When the hell is the national media going to learn that Arizona State will ALWAYS BE MEDIOCRE? I don’t care how talented the team is, and how good the coaches are. If you have that many hot chicks running around on one campus, you aren’t going to get the best out of your team. They’ll treat practices as seriously as Allen Iverson. Gotta save the energy for parties and tail chasing. It’s just a fact. Why do you think Duke basketball is so good every year? There’s nothing else to live for on that campus.

Anyway, this Pac-10 rant wouldn’t be complete without mentioning that supposedly Top 25 Cal was upended by a Maryland team that lost to Middle Tennessee State. And Washington State was completely throttled by Baylor. They’re so bad they’d probably lose a game to Don Baylor. Seriously, Wazzu may be the worst team in D-I, and maybe even the worst major conference team in BCS history. We’ll just have to see how their season degresses.

Should Auburn punt on first down?

In what had to have been the dullest game played since 1940, Auburn eked out a 3-2 win over Mississippi State. In case you’re wondering, the lowest scoring game of the three-game series between these two teams last baseball season was a 4-3 Mississippi State win.

So if the supposedly No. 9 Tigers want to beat LSU this week, wouldn’t it behoove them to punt on first down and then wait for the defense to score on a turnover? OK, so I’m exaggerating just a bit. But the Auburn offense is the only thing I’ve seen that’s in worse shape than the American economy. (Funny how it doesn’t matter who the offensive coordinator is for that to be the case).

Moving on to Sunday, maybe the team to beat in the AFC East is… the Bills?

Once Tom Brady went down for the season, conventional wisdom stated that the Patriots’ stranglehold on the AFC East may finally be over. And most people figured it would be Brett Favre and the Jets adminstering the blow.

But Matt Cassel was up to the task of knocking off the Jets in the Meadowlands, bringing the Patriots to a 2-0 start and a first-place tie with the Toronto Buffalo Bills. Yes, we’re aware that the last time the Bills did anything they were eating boxes of Flutie Flakes in the greater Buffalo area. But after seeing Trent Edwards go 20 of 25 for 239 yards and a TD pass to IU grad James Hardy against a solid Jacksonville defense, we’re thinking this year’s Bills might be for real.

I know that history has a history of ripping Buffalo’s heart out, so this could be a false alarm. They too still have to prove themselves worthy of beating the Patriots. But maybe the Great Bills Fan in Sky will be able to pull some strings and we’ll get to see playoff football at Ralph Wilson Stadium once again.

What exactly was Ron Turner thinking?

Shortly after blowing a 17-3 third quarter lead, the Bears found themselves with a chance to come back and tie or beat the Panthers in the final minutes of the game.

The drive started off in great shape, with rookie RB Matt “Don’t Call me Joe” Forte running for a nine-yard gain to midfield on first down. The next three plays? Incomplete pass, terrible screen pass that was nearly picked off, and handoff to fullback Jason McKie, who was stuffed at the line of scrimmage.

The Bears blew this game in plenty of other ways — we’re looking at you, Greg Olsen — but the final two offensive calls of the game truly perplexed me. With two cracks at gaining one yard, how do you not hand the ball to the guy who got you the first nine yards of the possession? If you’re going to lose, lose honestly. If your best guy is beaten by their best guy, so be it. Just don’t try to get cute. Football ain’t for cute. It’s for men.

Matt Millen has nude photos of the Ford family

Or maybe they’re just photos of the Ford family driving Japanese cars. At this point, it’s the only way to explain why this bumbling fool is still running the craptastic Lions.

Detroit looked like it was turning the corner after rallying from a 21-0 deficit to take a 25-24 lead over the Packers. Then, in the final 5:17, Green Bay managed to blow the doors off the Pinto and win the game 48-25. I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out how such a thing is possible.

Only the Lions.

And finally…

Remember when Monday Night Football got moved from ABC to ESPN because they no longer felt like they could get the marquee matchups in prime time? Ever since the switch happened, it seems to me like there’s been no shortage of awesome games, with the tackling-optional game between the Eagles and Cowboys being one of the best yet.