It would seem the writing is on the wall for the Washington Redskins nickname no matter how hard owner Daniel Snyder continues to pound his drum and say “Hey look! I’m pounding a drum! That means I’m pro-Indian! Hey-a hey-a, hey-a hey-a!”
The U.S. Patent Office canceled the team’s trademark on Wednesday, ruling that the name is disparaging to Native Americans. Naturally the team is appealing the decision, and even if that appeal is lost it doesn’t “have” to change the name — it just means you and I can hawk a bunch of bootleg Redskins swag with no penalty. I think. (I call dibs on “Redskins Condoms — Go Deep!” and “Redskins Condoms — Bury Your Hatchet!”).
At any rate, this issue isn’t going away until the name does. With all these people tearing him down in the national media, we’d like to give Snyder a helping hand in the matter of re-branding. Here’s a list of few new names to consider.
REXSKINS: You just have to change one letter and turn the logo into a profile of Rex Grossman’s face.
PIGSKINS: Tradition is the entire reason the Redskins name is being clung to so furiously. And that tradition includes “Hail to the Redskins,” which is certainly an enjoyable ditty we’d hate to see go away. But you do have to tweak the lyrics, and a change to “Pigskins” makes that an easy fix.
Pigskins is also an homage to “The Hogs” offensive line that led the team to three Super Bowl titles under Joe Gibbs. And though naming a team for a piece of equipment may seem dumb — OK, maybe it is dumb — there is at least precedent in the form of the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets.
REDNECKS: Same principle, different syllable. Only this group of individuals won’t be offended by anything. Maybe FedEx Field can change its name to Trailer Park.
WETBACKS: Offending Native Americans is so old school. Why not go for a new audience of protestors to keep the team in the news? I mean it does have the alliteration thing going for it.
REDTAPE: What could be more Washingtonian?
MONUMENTS: Clever, though methinks the new logo would be a touch phallic.
WARRIORS: Snyder wants to change as little as possible, and it’s possible this name would be acceptable enough to keep the team’s current logo, which doesn’t exactly beat one over the head with offensiveness like Chief Wahoo. Might have to pay these guys first, though.
SMALLPOX BLANKETS: Snyder could open up his press conference with “The public wanted us to kill the Redskins name. And what better way?”
BULLETS: It’s a traditional Washington sports name. And another way for Snyder to flip the double-bird.
DANS: Snyder’s ego is so huge he could use the Capitol Building dome as a yarmulke. Why not just go the Cleveland Browns route and name the team after himself? He can just replace the face of the “noble savage” on the helmet with his own. And if there’s one organization a team should model itself after, the Browns are the one.