Jared Lorenzen is back and better (i.e., fatter) than ever

February 3, 2014 – 11:33 pm by Hickey


When the Super Bowl ended, most of us assumed our football hopes and dreams would have to wait until this fall to be renewed. (Or, in this year’s case, when the Super Bowl started). But Jared Lorenzen will not let our football hunger pangs go unfed.

You remember Lorenzen, the former Kentucky standout who remains the only SEC and NFL quarterback to make JaMarcus Russell look like Pee-Wee Herman in comparison. The man they called the Hefty Lefty, the Round Mound of Touchdown and the Pillsbury Throwboy. Or as he once told my buddy, “I like J-Lo. It’s my favorite because maybe one day the real J-Lo will want to meet me.”

And there’s no reason she shouldn’t.

In an apparent effort to become the world’s first quarterback/team mascot, Lorenzen made his debut with the Northern Kentucky River Monsters of the Continental Indoor Football League, tipping the scales at a lithe 320 pounds.

Now I have no idea how one procures footage of CIFL games, but I do know it is why Al Gore invented the internet. As you can see from the following Vines, watching a 320-pound quarterback in action is something that words do not do justice. As John Updike once said of Ted Williams’ final game, “The art of fiction is dead.”




If those two plays are any indicator, the CIFL could make a fortune off of creating a “Monday/Sunday/Saturday Ticket” satellite TV package.

Or, if you’re lucky enough to live in the lower Midwest, there’s a chance of live Lorenzen sighting near you!

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