LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION:
I have just been handed and urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you’re doing and listen: Thursday’s scheduled appearance of Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind on ESPN’s Sports Center has been canceled.
The fictional duo was scheduled to co-anchor the broadcast, but actual serious news has gotten in the way of that endeavor. With the Tallahassee District Attorney scheduled to hold a press conference Thursday afternoon to announce whether rape charges will be filed against Florida State quarterback and Heisman Trophy frontrunner Jameis Winston, the network decided it would be best to have professional anchors who will play it straight behind the desk.
Probably the right choice considering Champ Kind’s reaction to the story would likely be “And then Winston pulled off the victim’s panties and… WHAMMY!”
“Champ, I don’t think that’s the right time to use your catch phrase…”
“I’m tellin’ ya, Ron, he put some barbecue sauce on that butt and just -”
(ESPN fades to black permanently)
Of course, in the news business it is rare to have planned news. It is interesting to wonder what would happen if a major story actually broke during a show co-hosted by Burgundy and Kind — if some coach got fired, or somebody died, or the Knicks won a game, viewers might be inclined to believe they were just witnessing some sort of joke rather than an actual story. It’s a tremendously fun idea, but very tricky territory to navigate.
No word on whether they will go back to this idea, but for now ESPN made the right choice.