Bob Stoops returned to his home Wednesday to learn that someone had broken into it and stolen his car in the middle of the night. We took the liberty of imagining what the hunt for his missing vehicle might look like — and it bears a remarkable resemblance to the plot of “The Big Lebowski.”
SCENE: The living room of Bob Stoops’ Norman, OK home.
Two police officers sit across a coffee table from the Sooners football coach as he explains what happened. All three people stare at each other awkwardly as Stoops’ phone continues to ring.
Stoops: Uh, yeah. It’s green. With, uh, some rust coloration.
Officer: Was there anything of value in the car?
Stoops: There was a tape deck. Some Creedence tapes. And there was a briefcase.
Officer: In the briefcase?
Stoops: My playbook. You know .. .just plays, in a book.
Officer: And what do you do, sir?
Stoops: I’m a football coach … my rug was also stolen.
Officer: From the car?
Stoops: No, from my office.
Officer: Oh, separate incidents?
Stoops: Do you find much of these stolen cars?
Officer: Sometimes. I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the tape deck.
Second Officer: Or the Creedence.
Stoops: Well, what about the briefcase?
Stoops inexplicably still uses an answering machine, which goes off as he is talking to the police.
Voice: Hey Bob, this is Mark! Just wanted to let you know I took your rug. Man, it really ties my office together. How the heck else was I gonna put together the top recruiting class in the country at Kentucky?
Officer: Well! Guess we can close the file on that one!
SCENE: A police impound in Los Angeles, where Stoops’ car has unexpectedly turned up.
Impound Cop: We found it abandoned last night lodged next to an abutment in Van Nuys. You’re lucky she didn’t get chopped, Mr. Stoops.
Stoops enters the vehicle.
Stoops: Aw man, what’s that smell?
Impound Cop: Uh, yeah, somebody using a lot of Axe body spray slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on.
Stoops: Hey man, are you gonna find these guys? Do you have any promising leads?
Cop: Leads? Yeah, sure, let me just check with the boys in the crime lab. They got four more detectives working on the case. They’ve got ’em working in shifts! (Starts laughing). Leads…
SCENE: A street.
As he crosses the border into Arizona while driving back towards Norman, Stoops suddenly suffers an acid flashback to Oklahoma’s Fiesta Bowl loss to Boise State. He crashes the car into a cactus. While regaining his wits, he notices a piece of paper wedged into a crevice in the passenger seat.
The paper appears to be a report card of the 2012 USC football season. There is a large red “D-” on the page, as well as the name “Lane Kiffin.”
SCENE: OU’s film room
Bob is intently watching some game film with offensive coordinator Josh Heupel when defensive coordinator Mike Stoops enters the room in an excited state.
Mike: Get this! He lives in North Hollywood near the In-N-Out Burger.
Heupel: Those are good burgers, Mike.
Mike: Shut the f*ck up, Heupel! This Kiffin kid is barely out of ninth grade, Bob — and are you ready for this?
Bob: (Still staring at film) Hmm?
Mike: His father is Monte Kiffin!
Bob: Who the hell is Monte Kiffin?
Mike: Who the — have you ever heard of a little defense called the Tampa 2?
Bob: Yes, I know the f*cking defense Mike, so what?
Mike: F*cking Monte Kiffin created the bulk of the defense, Bob. Twenty-six seasons!
Mike: Not exactly a lightweight.
Mike: And yet his son is a f*cking dunce. Anyway, we’ll go there after the what-have-you — the kid should be a pushover —
Heupel: We’ll be near the In-N-Out Burger.
Mike: Shut the f*ck up, Heupel! We’ll get there and brace the kid, he should be a f*cking pushover. We’ll get that f*cking playbook back, if he hasn’t copied it already. And yes, we’ll be near the, uh…
Mike: Some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. Our f*cking troubles are over, Bob.
SCENE: Kiffin household, Los Angeles. A housekeeper lets the Stoops brothers into the house. Monte is attached to an iron lung.
Mike: Is he — does he still coach?
Housekeeper: Oh yes. For the Cowboys.
Mike: Uh, sir, I just wanted to say that the both of us, are, on a personal level, really enormous fans of your work. The Tampa 2, particularly in the Buccaneers’ Super Bowl season, was a real source of inspiration.
Lane enters the room.
Housekeeper: Sweetie, sit down. These men are the police.
Mike: Oh no, ma’am. We didn’t want to give the impression we’re the police, exactly. We’re hoping they won’t be necessary. But that’s up to little Lane here. Isn’t it, Lane? Is this your report card, Lane?
Lane stares blankly.
Mike: Is this your report card, Lane?
Bob: Look man, is this —
Mike: Bob, please. IS THIS YOUR REPORT CARD, LANE?
Bob: Just ask him about the car, man.
Mike: Is this your report card? Is this yours?
Lane continues to stare blankly.
Bob: We know it’s his f*cking report card! Where’s the f*cking playbook you little brat?
Mike: Have you heard of a little thing called Youngstown? You’re entering a world of pain, son. We know this is your report card. We know you stole a car —
Bob: And the f*cking playbook!
Mike: And the f*cking playbook. And this is your report card. You’re killing your father, Lane!
Lane is still unmoved.
Mike: All right, this is pointless. You may want to take a look out that window, Lane. This is what happens when you meet a stranger in the Alps.
Mike storms out the front door.
Bob: Mike, what are you doing man?
Mike takes a crowbar out of Bob’s trunk and starts smashing the windows of the car parked in front of Kiffin’s house.
Mike: You see what happens? Do you see what happens Lane? Do you see what happens WHEN YOU MEET A STRANGER IN THE ALPS?
Mike smashes the last window of the car when the neighbor comes rushing out of his house.
Jim Mora, Jr.: My car! What the f*ck you doing man? Stop it!
Mike: Oh hey, hey man…
Mora: I just bought this car last week!
Mike: Whoa, whoa…
Mora: I’ll f*cking kill you!
Mike: Hey, I’m sorry. Come on, man…
Mora: I’ll kill your f*cking car!
Mora snatches the crowbar from Mike and precedes to smash the windows of Bob’s car, causing Heupel to rush out of the back seat.
Bob: Whoa! Hey, that’s not his…
Mora: F*ck you! I kill your f*cking car, man!
SCENE: A Toby Keith song plays. The Stoops brothers and Heupel munch on In-N-Out burgers as they ride into the night sans windshield.
FADE TO BLACK