Big Ten rules drunken bracket

March 21, 2013 – 2:12 am by Hickey

illini beer

There’s plenty of people out there who don’t know what the hell they’re doing when filling out a bracket, but worry not — Yahoo Sports has been waiting for you to arrive.

Providing insight from the opposite end of the scientific spectrum as Nate Silver’s projections, Yahoo lets you auto-fill a bracket using a number of categories with the simple click of a box. Naturally, the one I selected was “Biggest Party Schools.”

Here’s a look at what was predicted in the drunken, possibly stoned and definitely not fully-clothed bracket:


First Round: Louisville over North Carolina A&T, Missouri over Colorado State, Oregon over Oklahoma State, New Mexico State over Saint Louis, Memphis over St. Mary’s, Michigan State over Valpo, Creighton over Cincinnati, Duke over Albany.

Proving Budweiser’s crappiness as a beer, the school closest to its brewery is unable to party its way out of the first round. But we cant be too surprised — ain’t no party like a Las Cruces party, cuz a Las Cruces party don’t stop.

Second Round:Missouri over Louisville, Oregon over New Mexico State, Michigan State over Memphis, Duke over Creighton.

They filmed Animal House at Oregon. Poor Aggies never had a chance.

Sweet 16: Missouri over Oregon, Michigan State over Duke

I was once offered weed next to the giant columns in the middle of the quad at Mizzou. Just walking around minding my business. Not as crazy of an upset as you’d think.

Elite 8: Michigan State over Missouri

I can remember the names of all the bars I’ve been to in Columbia. I can’t say the same thing for East Lansing. Yahoo did its research.


First Round: Gonzaga over Southern, Pitt over Wichita State, Wisconsin over Ole Miss, Kansas State over La Salle, Arizona over Belmont, New Mexico over Harvard, Iowa State over Notre Dame, Ohio State over Iona.

Years from now, they’ll be talking about the BAC at the Wisconsin-Ole Miss game after Marshall Henderson and the Wisconsin band go shot-for-shot into triple OT.

Second Round: Pitt over Gonzaga, Wisconsin over Kansas State, Arizona over New Mexico, Ohio State over Iowa State.

The Alpha Betas carried Arizona over the top.

Sweet 16: Wisconsin over Pitt, Ohio State over Arizona

Elite 8: Wisconsin over Ohio State

Dear nation: Can you figure out the one thing the Midwest is doing better than all of you yet?


First Round: Western Kentucky over Kansas, North Carolina over Villanova, VCU over Akron, Michigan over South Dakota State, UCLA over Minnesota, Florida over Northwestern State, San Diego State over Oklahoma, Florida Gulf Coast over Georgetown.

Finally, mass chaos! The top two seeds go down in the first round against superior partiers at 16-seed WKU and 15-seed FGCU. And Michigan totally lucked out that it didn’t have to play the Jackrabbits on Hobo Day, or they surely would have bitten the dust as well.

Second Round: WKU over UNC, VCU over Michigan, Florida over UCLA, Florida Gulf Coast over San Diego State.

The parties at Florida Gulf Coast must be pretty damn awesome, because I remember some frat at San Diego State got busted for coke distribution a couple years back. Maybe that’s what killed their party rating. Anyway, the Cinderella story continues for 16 and 15.

Sweet 16: VCU over WKU, Florida over Florida Gulf Coast.

The clock strikes… eh, 6 a.m. for both Cinderellas.

Elite 8: Florida over VCU

As crazy as this region was, there is a good chance this matchup will actually end up being the regional final in real life. Party on, dudes!


First Round: Indiana over James Madison, NC State over Temple, UNLV over Cal, Syracuse over Montana, Butler over Bucknell, Davidson over Marquette, Illinois over Colorado, Miami over Pacific.

If Davidson really is a better party school than Marquette, I can assure you that will be one wicked hangover.

Second Round: Indiana over NC State, Syracuse over UNLV, Butler over Davidson, Illinois over Miami.

I guess the third Hangover movie will be filmed in Syracuse then?

Sweet 16: Syracuse over Indiana, Illinois over Butler.

As an IU alum I know that Little 500 is a hell of a time, but it can’t match a party in Bernie Fine’s basement.

Too soon?

Elite 8: Illinois over Syracuse.

I’ve slept on more than one stranger’s couch in Champaign. No one cared, because they were too drunk to notice.


Wisconsin over Michigan State, Illinois over Florida.

You Florida punks think you can hang with the Big Ten? Hand Hef that beer bong. Wait, have his 10 girlfriends who are one-third his age hand him the beer bong.


Illinois over Wisconsin.

If you had to watch these two play each other, you’d be shit-faced too.

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  1. 3 Responses to “Big Ten rules drunken bracket”

  2. This is exquisite. The commentary after every round really adds an extra layer to this.

    While I was at ND, the one guy who consistently got drunk to the point of uselessness was the kid who graduated from Illinois. He was also the biggest prick I’ve ever met, drunk or sober. Both seem to fit the Illinois M.O.

    By MJenks on Mar 21, 2013

  3. Doesn’t surprise me at all MJ.

    By Ryan Phillips on Mar 21, 2013

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