During the mid-1980s, there was a lot of cocaine consumed at the University of Miami.
Coincidentally, I’m sure, 1986 Hurricanes player and current Miami sports talk host Dan Sileo went on one of the most intense radio rants we’ve ever heard on Wednesday, going off on the Canes after an embarrassing 52-13 loss at Kansas State. I mean, this thing makes Mike Gundy’s “I’m a man! I’m 40!” rant look completely even-keeled.
The highlights, written in caps lock because that’s the way they were presented:
“YOU CANNOT GO TO MANHATTAN, KANSAS AND GET YOUR ASS DRUG UP AND DOWN THE FIELD BY A TEAM THAT’S RANKED 21. BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY WERE RANKED GOING INTO THE GAME? 21. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY WERE RANKED AFTER THEY BEAT THE LIVING PISS OUT OF US? 21! THERE’S NO RESPECT FOR OUR PROGRAM ANYMORE!”
(Actually K-State is now ranked 15th, but to quote Animal House, “Don’t stop him now, he’s rolling.”)
“IT’S ONE THING TO GET BEAT, BUT IT’S ANOTHER THING FOR PEOPLE TO THINK WE’RE EASTERN MICHIGAN!”
Right after that statement, we hear him hit something in the background, or possibly throw a pen against the wall. At any rate there is some barely audible violence going on.
“IF I SEE ANOTHER DEFENSIVE TACKLE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI SITTING THERE LOOKING AT GIRLS IN THE STANDS AND NOT PUTTING A HAT ON SOMEBODY, YOU ARE GOING TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. I AM GOING TO HAVE AN ANEURYSM.” (That seems unquestionable at this point).
“SON OF A BITCHES, HIT SOMEBODY!!!!! WHEN I SEE A QUARTERBACK SNEAK, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WANT TO SEE? SOMEBODY PULL OUT A KNIFE AND STICK ‘EM! GOUGE HIS EYES! HIT HIM IN THE KNEES! KICK HIM IN THE BALLS! DO SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU CARE!” (At this point Slap Shot’s Ned Braden would interject with “Bleed all over him! Let him know you’re there!”)
“JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY! IF I SEE ANOTHER KID IN A UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI HELMET AND YOU ALLOW A QUARTERBACK TO GET THROUGH THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE AND YOU DON’T PUT A HAT ON HIM…”
At this point there is a pause, and we assume Sileo is having a heart attack. Finally he let’s out a sigh and says we need to take a timeout so he can cool off here.
But wait, there’s more!
‘TALENT! YOU THINK TALENT IS 83 POINTS AND A THOUSAND YARDS IN TWO WEEKS? SON OF A BITCHES.” (This particular “son of a bitches” is delivered with the same strain of someone taking the world’s most powerful deuce).
“SON OF A BITCHES!”
That son of a bitches is delivered with the same strain as God taking the universe’s most powerful deuce. (He called it St. Louis).
“YOU PLAY FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI! NOT FOR FRICKING FIU!”
Rant over. Presumably Sileo’s chair has fallen over and rigor mortis is setting in as blood seeps out of every orifice.