I like my jokes like my women: easy. (Just kidding! About half of that statement.)
There’s nothing easier than a good fat joke, as generations of comedians dating back to Henry VIII have proven to us. So when Bartolo Colon was handed a 50-game suspension by Major League Baseball on Wednesday, I could barely contain my glee, and not because I have any particular disdain for Colon or the Oakland A’s.
Nope, this is purely out of the joy of having jokes handed to me on a silver platter. A platter of delicious things Bartolo Colon would surely love to consume.
Here is my best attempt at one-liners, non-sequitors and what-have-yous regarding Colon’s suspension. If any are good enough, you might get to see them on Jay Leno!
– Major League Baseball handed down Bartolo Colon a 50-game suspension Wednesday after he tested positive for excessive levels of Big Mac special sauce.
– When Bartolo Colon is tested for drugs, is it considered a Colonoscopy?
– When he returns to baseball, will the headline be “Colon cleansed?”
– How many calories are in a PED?
– Colon admitted to having excessive amounts of testosterone, but only because he ate an entire bull prior to being tested.
– Colon’s defense: “Someone mixed up the Boston Cream donuts with the Clear and Cream donuts.”
– Colon’s defense II: “The sample was tainted. I can’t even see my dick when I pee, how do we know nothing funny happened down there?”
– Colon’s defense III: “I’m gonna go pose shirtless next to Barry Bonds and let you be the judge.”