Monday we learned that five colleges are getting their own special edition Pop Tart boxes: Michigan, Florida, Georgia, North Carolina and Arkansas.
This is a bit of marketing genius since Pop Tarts played a huge role in my college dietary plan, and have likely continued to do so for ensuing generations of people walking to class 10 minutes after waking up.
Unfortunately, good ideas aren’t always well-executed ones, as you are about to see.
Flavor: Go Blue Strawberry.
Analysis: Go Blue Strawberry? Have you people ever heard of a f*cking blueberry? I mean it’s right there in the goddamn name of the fruit! BLUEberry. Go Blueberry. You couldn’t find some marketing dipsh*t making three times my salary competent enough to piece that together?
Rival’s Response: “Pop Tarts? Pfft. Every bagel is shaped like an Ohio State logo.”
Flavor: Tar Heel Berry
Analysis: When I think delicious, I think of a name that brings up an immediate association with toe jam.
Rival’s Response: “Ha! Your Pop Tart is NC State colored! We’re still relevant! Enjoy eating this on the way to your made-up class.”
Flavor: Razorback Red
Analysis: Need to hurry to work after a long night going over things with your recruiting coordinator? Just pop it in the toaster before you hop on your hog and speed to the office!
Rival’s Response: “Which one of us is Arkansas’ rival?”
Flavor: Bulldog Berry
Analysis: Can be eaten whether placed in a toaster or underneath Mark Richt’s seat.
Rival’s Response: “It’ll be a lot easier to explain all that red filling being between your legs than a pair of panties.”
Flavor: Florida Gators Strawberry
Analysis: In a fine piece of serendipity, Florida’s Pop Tart is both the color of its primary SEC rival (Georgia) and its primary in-state rival (Florida State).
Rival’s Response: “Hahahahahahaha!”