It makes sense that Jimmy Haslam is the new owner of the Cleveland Browns. Haslam made his fortune in truck stops, so he’s already accustomed to everyone crapping all over his product.
The price Haslam paid for the Browns was a little more eye-opening.
According to ESPN, Haslam is plunking down more than $1 billion for the most bumbling, incompetent and generally slap-assed franchise in the NFL. (And this is coming from someone who considers Bernie Kosar to be one of his 10 favorite all-time quarterbacks.) The Browns have only made the playoffs once since returning to Cleveland in 1999, and are just one of four teams to never reach the Super Bowl.
One thing’s for sure: I don’t want Randy Lerner running my football team, but I sure would love to have him closing a sale on anything I own. If the Browns are worth $1 billion, every other franchise in the NFL must be valuable enough to pay off the national debt.
Then again, maybe the trick isn’t Lerner selling so much as Haslam buying. If he’s willing to pay that much for the Browns, we got to thinking about some other things that he might consider to be a bargain.
- Taco Bell Doritos Loco Taco: $5
- “Son-In-Law” on copied VHS: $35
- One USPS “Forever” Stamp: $40
- LeBron James replica Cavaliers jersey: $200
- Wooly Willy: $300
- 1988 Topps Junior Noboa baseball card: $500
- Commodore 64 computer: $800
- Ronco Showtime Rotisseire Roaster: $1,000
- Autographed Tim Couch jersey: $4,000
- Front-row seat to Michael Richards stand-up comedy show: $15,000
- 1977 Ford Pinto Cruising Wagon: $25,000
- Luxury five-day, four-night cruise from Cleveland to Erie, Pa.: $48,000
- Stick of gum chewed by “Night Court” co-star Richard Moll: $120,000
- 500 shares of Polaroid stock: $500,000
- Three backstage passes to Nickelback concert: $900,000
- Dinner with actor John Leguizamo: $3 million
- Private dunking lessons from Brian Scalabrine: $5 million
- Four-year contract for JaMarcus Russell: $75 million
- Rights to the song “Who Let The Dogs Out“: $500 million