Everyone knows these are tough economic times. And if you don’t, please come over to my house so I can
rob you secure a loan from you.
With regular people struggling to make ends meet, so too are our public institutions. State legislatures across the nation are slashing their budgets, and more often than not higher education is the first item on that chopping block — hence outrageous tuition and the fact you’re still paying off student debt from the (name any previous president) adminstration.
With less money coming in from the state, public universities have to rely increasingly on private donations to keep moving forward.
The question is, what must a university do to distinguish itself enough to keep the money coming in a time when people are forced to be increasingly parsimonious?
Pennsylvania State University has found the answer: Rape. Lots of rape. Preferably with children.
On Monday, Penn State announced that it received $208 million in donations for the fiscal year that wrapped up on June 30, the second-highest total in school history. Some 75,500 alums donated money to the school, the first increase in donations in three years.
This, of course, comes on the heels of the revelation that former football assistant coach Jerry Sandusky raped multiple children over the years, several of them on Penn State property, which led to his recent conviction on 45 of 48 charges. It also led to the removal of legendary coach Joe Paterno and school president Graham Spanier.
Still sitting in the legal crosshairs are athletic director Tim Curley and trustee Gary Schultz, who are being charged with perjury for lying about what they knew under oath and not reporting Sandusky to authorities after grad assistant Mike McQueary saw him sexually assaulting a kid in the shower.
None of this seems to bother the collective conscience of those 75,500 enthusiastic donors, so it’s clear that we’ve got a new template for schools trying to raise money. If pledge drives aren’t doing the trick, a little pedophilia and conspiracy is all you need to get over that financial hump.