In an effort to make some extra dough at Rumors and Rants, we’ve decided to make a foray into public relations writing. Our first client is the People’s Republic of Korea.
Wednesday mark a great day in the most glorious history of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea!
In greatest athletic feat since Beloved and Exalted Leader Kim Jong-Il shot a record 34 on the golf course in his first life, DPRK’s pure virgin warriors of the pitch scored a 2-0 soccer victory over Colombia.
Pyongyang’s heroines first needed to overcome many obstacles created by the Western-run International Olympic Committee.
Before the start of match, stadium scoreboard displayed the satanic flag of the ungrateful rebels to the south! Our ladies refused to bow to this pressure, sitting out until the one true flag of Korea was presented for all to see.
The challenges not end with flag fiasco! The IOC punished our brave fighters by only allowing them to put 11 players on the pitch, while Colombia fielded 22 of the finest players its cocaine druglords could buy. There was also a moat with sharks and crocodiles placed in front of the Colombian net, but Korea was still able to persevere!
After the match, the ladies learned some news that both warmed and broke all their hearts. New Beloved and Exalted Leader Kim Jong-Un is off the market! He was married over the weekend, breaking the hearts of all single ladies across the world, including Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Katherine Upton and Snooki.
Though the team members are disappointed they were not able to marry Kim Jong-Un, they have decided to bring back the ultimate wedding gift: Olympic Gold!