Kordell Stewart Retires. In 2012.

May 31, 2012 – 12:49 am by Hickey

Dear reader,

You may stumble upon this blog post thinking it is some sort of time capsule from 2005, but do not be fooled. What you are about to read is real, modern news.

Kordell Stewart retired on Wednesday.

Yes, that Kordell Stewart. The one who hasn’t played a down in seven years.

In what may be the single most stunning piece of human delusion since Napoleon thought he could take Russia before winter, Stewart didn’t bother actually retiring all these years because he thought some team would give him a call. Apparently he forgot that whole 2003 deal with the Bears where he had 12 picks and 4 fumbles to go along with his 7 TDs for a QB Rating of 56.8. (Although to be honest, I kind of forgot about that too).

“Slash,” as he was known when he played multiple positions and was good, signed a one-day contract with the Steelers to officially bring his career to a close on Wednesday.

“This where it all started, this where all my success was,” he told the media, which actually showed up to cover it. “This was the closure I wanted to have and needed to have with my career.”

Come to think of it, all of us could afford to borrow from Kordell’s line of thinking. Kate Upton has never called me, but hey — I better not take myself off the market in case that phone rings.

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