Texas Rangers Unveil Massive Wieners

March 26, 2012 – 12:43 am by Hickey

Sorry, perverts. This isn’t some Deadspin-style expose where we hid in Mike Napoli’s locker with a camera and a tape measure. This is a story about hot dogs. Specifically, the one-pound hot dogs that will be offered at Rangers Ballpark this season.

Yes, you read correctly.

Because the one thing America doesn’t have enough of is fat people, the Rangers announced that they will be selling a two-foot-long, one-pound wiener known as the “Champion Dog” in the stadium’s Captain Morgan Club and “The Boomstick” in the concession stands for regular people.

In case you are wondering, “The Boomstick” is a nod to Rangers slugger Nelson Cruz, not the fact your bowels will explode immediately upon attempting to digest the enormous frankfurter. And believe me, that isn’t just a cheap joke — the thing is covered with onions, chili and cheese. You’re gonna want an aisle seat.

The dog, which is clearly meant to be consumed by more than one human, sells for a Filet Mignon-priced $26. Of course, for a family of four or five splitting it up, that’s  probably a relative bargain in the modern world of uncheap ballpark food.

If nothing else, it does prove that everything really is bigger in Texas. Even the wieners.

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